Morons + Power Tools = Darwin at Work?

Posted 2006.12.05 1.00 in Music/Movies/TV by Stephanie

So this commercial comes on the tv. It’s some klutz who doesn’t understand how to make a hand saw work. Let me repeat that: Doesn’t Understand How To Make A Hand Saw Work. That’s right. Not talking about anything fancy. Not a coping saw, nor a back saw, nor a keyhole saw, nor a swiss saw, nor a bow saw, nor a hacksaw, nor a Japanese flush-cut saw. Just a plain old ordinary standard-purpose hand saw. And this stooge can’t make it go.

So what’s Black and Decker’s solution for this fool? They want to give him a power tool! Yeah! Here’s a putz that can’t drive a single piece of metal with no moving parts that you simply move backwards and forwards, and they figure the answer is to give him a motorized plug-in cutting device that can go through human flesh and bone at 2 inches per second.

Now, my first reaction is to think these guys at Black and Decker are nuts! I mean, great, you want to sell product, make money, but this is crazy. Some of these morons might have kids, unlikely as it may seem.

Then, after a moment, I realized that maybe it’s not such a bad idea. I mean, anyone as thick as this fellow on the commercial, is going to get himself killed sooner or later anyhow. Might as well cut the suspense and make sure when he screws up, it’s over fast and decisively. Otherwise he might end up dropping his keys, getting in his car and accidentally locking himself inside the vehicle, and slowly starving to death – or suffocating, if the windows are rolled up. Compared to that, a power-saw mishap is going to be positively merciful.

It reminds me of a commercial for a screwdriver for handymorons. They showed a bunch of people opening multi-bit screwdrivers upside-down, so all the bits fell out. How’d these people even survive into adulthood? How can you be so stupid as to open any enclosure upside-down, be it a multi-bit screwdriver, or a carton of milk, or jar of jelly? Why didn’t these people starve to death? And if they’re too thick to know how to open the screwdriver, what makes anyone think they’ll know what to do with it when they get it open?

It almost makes me curious to see what these dunderheads are going to build. TV is telling the hapless that now matter how clumsy and clueless you are, the answer is to use powertools. Maybe in 6 months the Discovery Channel can do a special – Power Tool Tradgedies, and the Things They Tried to Build.