Posted 2009.03.10 0.00 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

So much going on, so little posting about it.

So I had a CAT scan last week. (CAT scan? CT scan? Whatever it was, no cats were harmed in the process.) They fed me into a giant whining machine and examined my head – a process which some will feel was long overdue.

The head-exam was ostensibly to see if there is a cause to the short sharp stabbing headaches I have been getting in the back of my head. It feels a lot like someone stabbing the back of my head, but when I check there’s noone there, so it could be a medical thing. I can’t help but wonder, however, what else they might find. Certainly there’s lots of things that it would be interesting to explain – could they find a reason for….

  • my depression?
  • my insomnia?
  • the constant ringing in my ears?
  • my sometimes-‘quirky’ behavior?
  • my prosopagnosia?
  • the odd compulsions I get sometimes?
  • the occasional self-destructive tendancies?
  • the way I don’t feel like I relate to anyone and don’t understand normal human emotions or behavior?
  • any of the other neuological oddities I’ve presented over the last 20 – 25 years?

Or will they find….nothing at all?

I know, ha-ha-ha they looked in my head and there was nothing there. Seriously though, for most of the other problems I’ve got, they can’t find any explanation. So why would any of this be different? Short stabbing headaches in the back of my head, might just be a normal natural thing for me. Who knows?

But then, if they do find something what will it be? A tumor? A mystrious ‘dark area’ that they can’t explain? Demons? A tiny alien controlling me? Worms?

Then I wonder, if they do find something, who’s to say they will tell us? The way these things work here is a technician runs the machine, he sees the pictures but is not allowed to tell the patient/subject what he sees and the patient/subject is not allowed to see the pictures. The pictures then go to an ‘expert’ who looks at them, and without any direct access or information from the patient, the ‘expert’ decides how to interpret the pictures. Then they type up a written report and send that to the doctor, so the doctor also doesn’t see the pictures. Then the doctor reads the report and files it away then tells the patient (paraphrases) what was in the report. At any step along the way, they could just decide there’s nothing noteworthy. So if there are demons or tiny aliens or worms or a mysterious dark patch, they could just say there’s nothing, or it’s inconclusive. So if the report is that there’s nothing, or it’s inconclusive, how do I know that’s really the case? It’s quite possible that the tech or the ‘expert’ is in on it!

Realisticly though, what do I hope they find / what do I want to learn? I mean, if it’s a tumor (or demons or aliens or worms) then what? This is a whole different philosophical area for me. What makes me, me? If I am who I am because of some wierdness going on in my noggin, then if they fix the wierdness will I still be me?

Being me has some downsides (see the list above) but there are some cool things too, I think. Would I risk losing the good things, to get rid of the bad? That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. Though if I had to make a snap decision, right now I’d probably say no. Take the good and the bad together and stick with what I know.

So in that case, then what’s really at stake is not fixing things, but just understanding them – getting the why’s. And ultimately I think that is what I’m about – understanding, learning.

There – I feel better now, I’ve resolved something. Take care, be well, stay sane.