I’ve mentioned the brain worms, the alien remote control, and the demons before. I was talking about CAT scans and how none of the above were likely to show up. What I’m thinking about now is, how do these things come into play. And let me quickly point out that I’m using these things metaphorically – I’m reasonably certain that there are not actually worms, tiny aliens, or demons in my noggin.
Anyhow, what I’m wondering about is this: Frequently I’ll make my mind up to do (or not do) something because I know (intellectually, logically) that whatever it is I’ve chosen is the “right” thing to do. Whatever “it” is, could be I decided not to have wine with dinner, or decided not to have desert, or decided not to buy that expensive-but-super-cool technological jiggery-pokery toy.
So I’ve made the decision, I know it’s right. And yet… there is this constant nagging, this wheeling and dealing, trying to make me change my mind, trying to talk me into doing the ‘wrong’ thing. It doesn’t let up. It is very persistent and persuasive. It even employs trickery and con-artistry at times.
What the hell is it, and where does it come from? If I make up my mind, what’s in there trying to reverse the decision? This disturbs me on many levels.
If I decide to do “A” and then “B” keeps popping up in my head, trying to entice me directly, or even trying to trick me into it… what? What is it?! Why? I mean — why can’t I make my mind up and that’s the end of it? If “I” am trying to trick “me” then who am “I”?
I’m not talking about hearing voices – this is all just mental train-of-thought processes:
I’m not going to buy a new NNNN, I don’t need it, it’s too expensive, and I already have plenty. I need coffee whitener, I’ll just pop round the corner to the 7-11. You know, they also sell NNNNs at the 7-11. Yeah but their NNNN’s are overpriced and sucky. The NNNN’s at YYYYY are way better. Wait, shut up! I don’t want a NNNN. I’m going to the A&P, they sell coffee-whitener and they don’t sell NNNN. I could go to the A&P up at the other plaza, there’s a YYYYY up there and they sell NNNN. Wait no, I don’t want an NNNN. Just coffee whitener is all I need. (fastforward 10 minutes) How the hell did I end up at YYYYY? Hmm you know, these really are nice NNNN…
That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about. Just a line of thoughts running along, trying to steer me to do something that’s not ultimately in my best interest. Nothing instantly bad of course, and frequently there’s short-term fun to be had, but in the long-term, it’s not good.
Is that just me? Does this happen to other people? It makes me feel like I’m not entirely in control of myself.
But if I’m not in control, then who or what is? I’ll try and explore this more later… right now I’ve got to sneak out of work and buy some more NNNN.