So I was having a nice relaxing Sunday bath, but eventually the relaxation time was over and it was time to get cleaned up and get on with the day. About a month ago I decided to try one of these ‘body wash’ liquid soap products instead of the appallingly stone-aged soap bar things that neanderthals used. I’ve been using a fairly well-known name-brand ‘body wash’ product, and it’s been ok. Till today. When it all went wierd.
See, I have these bizzare medical mystery shins, with unexplained scars that are really tender. So of course I’m always careful when washing them, like being gentle and all. Today though when I got the body-wash lather on there, I suddenly found myself transported into a television commercial…
Are you tired of grubby-looking scars that are difficult to clean? Are you tired of being in constant chronic pain? Then we have the product for you! That’s right, with our new body-wash, you’ll look sparkly clean and that annoying old pain will be long forgotten.
Thanks to our new and improved formula, we’re bringing you both new and improved cleaning power, and new and improved pain! Yes, it’s a special, powerful, magical kind of pain that you probably haven’t experienced before – but once you do, you won’t be worried about normal pain any more – and that’s a guarantee! And look! It’s even safe for children!
“Mommy? Is the soap supposed to make my skin dissolve like that?”
Ha-ha! Run along you little scamp! So, don’t spend another day living with scars that aren’t quite their cleanest, or with boring old every-day pain. Try our new product, now! And remember – nothing spells “Clean” like a chemical-burn!
Anyhow, by the time the delirium and hallucinations wore off, the pain had dulled back down to normal levels. And I guess the voice-over guy was right – once you burn off all the pesky dirty-looking scar-tissue, things are pretty clean underneath!
Oh and the real punchline? About five minutes after all that, I was reaching for the conditioner, missed, and knocked it off the shelf. Guess exactly which part of my leg the bottle landed on. Go on! Bet ya can’t!