Darkness and Pain

Posted 2009.10.15 9.33 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s not what you think.

First off, I’m still rebelling against autumn. Well not rebelling, I guess you can’t really stop the seasons. Maybe moving to the opposite hemisphere would be a way to rebel. I’m just upset about it. This morning, I stayed in bed an extra half hour after the alarm went off and it was still dark when I got up. It feels like getting up at midnight. I can’t get up in the dark. Sure I wake up all the time, but getting up… that’s another matter entirely.

Then there’s the pain. I think that when you’re in pain, it tires you out. Like you have a certain amount of energy for the day, and if you’re in pain then some of that energy is going to into dealing with the pain. And I’m running on diminished capacity anyways, so having something else nibbling away at my reserves is just unfair.

The thing is, I have a toothache. It’s kind of a dull constant throbbing thing. I know any normal person would go and see a dentist, but… I learned at a very early age that dentists are Evil. You think I’m just kidding around. The dentist I saw as a child, was so nasty that his own family saw other dentists. This man scarred me for life, seriously.

My earliest dental memories involve him striking me across the face because I was frightened and wouldn’t open my mouth, then when he did get it open he wedged some kind of stainless steel device in there that had a little crank and it expanded to force my mouth open and keep it that way. I saw a similar device on the Discovery Channel recently, on their Machines of Malice series.

Then there was The Needle. He used this great big reusable needle that took little cartridges. It was frightening just to see. Some kind of large-bore thing designed for cattle or horses. He’d jam that into the gums and inject something that hurt even worse, then he’d get right to work. And some time later while you were being taken home, traumatized, your mouth would eventually go numb.

I also have a fear of needles.

Seriously, if a dentist tried doing that stuff nowadays, he’d be locked up. This man was Nasty. One of the last times I remember being forced to see him, he pulled four teeth in one go. Permanent teeth. Hurt like hell and bled like crazy. He also called you names if you cried or showed signs of fear or weakness.

I’m not making any of this up, and I’m not exaggerating. Now, I’m all growed up and approaching middle age, and I can’t bear the thought of going to see a dentist about a toothache. I’ll try and walk it off. Rub some mud on it. Be tough and ride it out.

If I eventually do have to see a dentist, it’s gotta be on my terms. Here’s my terms:

  1. I get to wear headphones through the whole thing so I can listen to music and not hear anything going on elsewhere in my head.
  2. Start with a good dose of gas, to keep me relaxed.
  3. Follow up with a topical anaesthetic in the gums.
  4. Once the topical has numbed the gums, then – and only then – a needle can be used to apply a local anaesthetic.
  5. After sufficient time for the local to take effect, then the dentist can go to work.
  6. When the work is concluded, if it involved anything painful, I get a perscription for something significant. Vicodin perhaps – Dr. House says it’s good.

Ideally, steps 1 and 2 would be administered when I’m at home, then someone else can get me to the dentist.

Again, you may think I’m kidding. I’m not. Pretty much anything is preferable than dealing with a dentist.

Real life example: When I was in grade 7, I suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns to my face and head. I was rushed to the hospital. I asked for something for the pain. They brought out a needle. I told them to forget it, the pain was better than a needle. I hate needles that much. I hate dentists even more.

Think of the dentist from the Little Shop Of Horrors – my childhood dentist was worse. The LSoH dentist at least admitted he was nasty. My childhood dentist was all nice and normal when talking to the parents, but once you were in The Chair and the door was closed… *shudder*


  1. As disturbing as the whole post was… the most noticeable reaction I had was the desire to click on the bolded and underlined text. Every. Single. One. I hovered and clicked repeatedly, hoping for links about nasty and evil.


  2. Stephanie says:

    I didn’t realize it was disturbing… in retrospect though I suppose it is.

    I just needed to tell people (the internet at large i suppose) what happened, why I have such an adverse reaction to the idea of dentistry.

    Sorry about the bold/underline tease. Those words are also in black too (the normal text is grey.) I needed to bring attention to the significant horror that those words convey.

  3. Violet says:

    A number of things with this post, and the comment after it. DID is caused by severe childhood trauma. That dentist was pretty fucking traumatising. Stephanie’s traumas started pretty much at birth, but having an evil sadistic prick for a dentist (especially one who’d gaslight his child patients to their parents) certainly didn’t help.

    Then the comment. She didn’t realize it was disturbing?! That’s indicative of emotional detatchment from the memory, which happens with DID. The emotions are so overwhelming they are literally dissociated out (separated out) and held by another part / another personality.

    And the whole thing basically up and says as an adult she gets flashbacks to childhood dentistry terrors. DID is sort of like PTSD on steroids, for trauma that happened in early childhood.

Leave a Reply to Violet