A Year Of Living Crazily

Posted 2009.12.02 7.46 in DID, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

Roughly speaking, more or less, it’s been about a year since I started taking my mind-altering drugs – a year of cryptospam.

Originally I was just taking one of these a day. Then after a couple months, it went up to two a day. Two a day seemed good, worked well for several months. By well, I mean, you know, stable, steady.

Then lately, like end of October / beginning of November, I started having wild mood swings. One day I’d be up, bouncing off the walls, everything was cool. Then the next day or two or twelve, I’d be down, really morose, wondering what was the point of anything.

It was pretty messed up.

Like, if you’ve never actually suffered deep clinical depression, you have no idea. You may think you know what it’s like to feel bummed out, but trust me – unless you’ve been there, you’re wrong. All I’m gonna say is, that kind of low is where the next step is not being around any more, and as near as you can tell, there’s no ‘logical’ or ‘reasonable’ problem with that concept.

Anyhow – ups and downs.

In addition to the moodswings, I’ve been feeling like my grip on ‘normalcy’ has been slipping. Like, I still know the theory behind being a normal contributing member of human society – I just find myself either caring less about it, or less willing to play that game. If I was fabulously wealthy, I’d just hire a full time social-worker to look after me.

Like, if I keep going along this way, eventually I fear I won’t be really able to look after myself in a ‘normal’ way. I think of one of my current TV role models,¬†Walter Bishop. He has his son to look after him. All I have are cats and snails and fish, so I’d really need a social worker.

Or Hubert Farnsworth – not wealthy, but probably senile and slightly evil. Or Franklin Sherman – possibly senile, possibly derranged, but rich enough to get away with it. The ‘crazy rich genius’ is a role I could really get into.

Anyhow, just a bit before reaching the year-of-cryptospam, I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist. As it happens, the two weeks leading up to the meeting, I was down in the dumps. Then the week of the appointment, my mood swung and I was on a high.

It was kind of funny – I met with him, talked a bit, I was clearly in ‘bouncing off the walls’ mode. I told him about the mood swings – he commented that I didn’t seem depressed while we were talking. I was like, ‘yeah but if we had met last week, you’d have been seriously wondering if the meds were working, or if I was taking them.’ and added ‘for that matter, I was seriously questioning if they were working.’

We talked some more and I think he was connecting the dots, at one time I was diagnosed as being manic-depressive, but today they call it bi-polar disorder. Anyhow, so in the space of a few minutes we went from ‘you don’t seem depressed today’ to ‘I’m going to increase your dosage…’

So I’ll be kicking off the second year of life on drugs, with a 50% increase in my dosage.

Better living through chemistry.

The only real kicker is the pills are like a dollar a piece… three a day gets kind of costly. Heheh. My three-dollar-a-day habit. Sanity-pills, to the rescue!

Ma Pillz

One Comment

  1. Violet says:

    So bipolar disorder is another common misdiagnosis for people with DID. Not to say you can’t have both of course, but if you have one part / alter / personality who is depressed, and another who isn’t, and you switch between them, it’s going to look a lot like bipolar to observers.

    Depending how you read it, I think she was refering to actually switching infront of the psychiatrist. But even if not, she does mention switching almost daily at one point.

    My understanding is with normal bipolar it can take days or weeks to ‘change gears’ from depression to mania.

    So my take on this is, she probably exhibited a switch infront of a trained professional, and got misdiagnosed.

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