The REAL Heebie-Jeebies

Posted 2010.09.09 21.03 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

You know how it feels when you start to become convinced that your skin doesn’t fit any more and you look at the backs of your hands and you can tell it’s not your skin and it doesn’t look quite right and everything feels just uncomfortable, and then you can feel your hair and soon your hands are twitching a bit because you just want to start pulling off this fake unreal skin that you’re covered with, until finally all you can think about is clawing and scratching at it to just oh gods get it off, and you want to start at the eyeholes so you don’t have to look at it any more and now your hands are twitching even more and all you can think about is clawing at the skin around your eyes but at the same time you’re desperately trying not to do it because you’re out in public and people will see you do it and they’ll think that you’re crazy because they don’t know it’s not your skin and they can’t feel it and they can’t hear your hair the way you can and you just need to clutch onto something just to keep your hands still and keep them away from your eyes because you just really want to claw and dig and everything just feels wrong and finally the pharmacist gives you your new perscription and you promise that you won’t let yourself run out of brain medicine again, just like you did two weeks ago when you ran out the last time because going cold-turkey for a few days is just absolutely the worst thing you can do with the stuff, so you take some and then finally after a few hours the sensations settle down and you can’t hear your hair and you can’t feel it and you don’t want to claw at your eyesockets any more, but you just can’t shake the feeling that your skin doesn’t fit right and it might not be yours.

I hate when that happens.

Politeness versus the Assholes

Posted 2010.09.09 14.42 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Common courtesy, decency, and just simply being polite only really, really work when everyone plays by the same rules. You can have 10 people in any situation and even if 9 of them are decent, polite, courteous folk, it still only takes one asshole to piss off the rest and make it a bad day.

The asshole will get their way, get what they want, cut in line or do whatever it is that suits them best — and they will get away with it — simply because everyone else is too polite to make a fuss.

Well I’m sick of it. I’m tired of assholes taking advantage of me or walking all over me just because I’m too polite or too nice.

It sounds stupid but I wanna be an asshole too. I wanna be able to cut in line, barge infront of people, or generally act as if I’m the most important person around, and I wanna goddamnwell get away with it because everyone else is too polite to get involved or make a scene.

I’m not rich enough, attractive enough, or egotistical enough to successfully pull off the “I’m better than the rest of you losers” attitude. But I am unstable enough to pull off the “Mentally disturbed / slightly crazy / doesn’t know any better” deal.

Sigh.

Ok I don’t think I can really pre-emptively asshole my way through life. I just don’t have it in me. But I am pretty sure I can do it on a reactive basis. Next time someone tries to asshole their way ahead of me, I can pull the nucking-futters thing. At the very least, just to see what happens.

So if you see some jerk being an asshole then some middle-aged woman starts yelling and holding her head and twitching, let me know what you think. Or join in, it’ll be fun.