No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.


  1. Mike Hebel says:

    I’ve been here. And in some ways I’m still here.

    I sleep randomly about 3 – 5 hours a night and that’s usually interrupted sleep. While I don’t have apnea that I know of it’s hard as heck for me to get any real rest.

    This leads to depression, tiredness, and in general a loss of enthusiasm for much of anything. It also affects your partner if you have one. My wife often finds me on the futon in the library because I’ve wandered the house trying to get to sleep.

    The first thing in your posts is that I notice you said you have sleep apnea. If that’s true get it formally diagnosed, get a sleep study done, and then get a cpap machine.

    I’ve heard it time and time and time again from friends who’ve experienced it. The cpap changed everything.

    Second – if the 5-HTP isn’t helping then try something else. Valerian Root comes to mind or even simple chamomile. So far I have yet to find something that winds down this spinny ball of shiny that’s constantly whirling in my brainpan but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped looking.

    Third – if you think there’s something magically wrong then try cleaning your thread in the tapestry a little bit. The way I envision it is holding a large steel cable in my hand and with the breath akin to Superman I blow all the immediate junk off. (After I cast a proper circle and ground of course.) This isn’t blowing your karma off of it just cleaning away some things stuck to it.

    Er….sorry for rambling…just couldn’t let your post go by without letting you know you’re not alone. There are tons of other people right where you are. 🙂

  2. Stephanie says:

    Hello Mike, thanks for writing!

    I have been through a sleep study and had a formal diagnosis for the apnea, with some sobering results – average 20 apneas per hour, and the longest one they recorded was 2 minutes. That was several years ago though, so the specifics have probably changed.

    Anyhow, I did try a CPAP for a while. I was able to rent one for a month to see how it would go, but I simply could not fall asleep with it. It seemed to hit every last one of my problems, between the noise, the sensation (wind blowing up your nose, and if you open your mouth you can’t breath) and having something strapped to my face. It was like trying to fall asleep while being subjected to a bit of psychological torture.

    So I’ve just put up with it and adapted. Like you, three to five hours sounds about right for me. It takes forever for me to fall asleep and then I wake up frequently — although the melatonin has helped a bit, I can fall asleep faster when I take that.

    Thanks for the suggestion re. the 5-HTP. The brand I got actually has Valerian in it, 100mg of 5-HTP and 50mg of Valerian root. It did seem to help for the first week but after that it feels like the effects have faded or tapered off.

    Interestingly, you’re the third person this week to suggest I consider some spiritual remedies. I’m going to take the hint and try to do something during the full moon next week. Over the past couple of years I’ve really let my spiritual work fade.

    Thanks again for your comments Mike. Blessed be.

    1. Stephanie says:

      LOL! 😀

      I would, but I’m too much of a wimp to risk getting caught. It’s still annoyingly illegal here, and I don’t “know” anyone.


  3. Violet says:

    The ‘dissenting inner dialog’ aka sabateurs, demons, whatever. Other parts / personalities. Commenting on what you’re doing, or talking to each other, or trying to undermine you. The panic attack. Feeling empty. All these can be symptoms of DID.

    Being hypervigilant at night, and the panic attack, are also common with PTSD, and DID is very much related to PTSD.

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