Balancing on the Edge

Posted 2014.08.14 13.22 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

The last couple of days I feel like I’m balancing right on the edge of depression.

If you’ve never suffered from bi-polar or manic-depressive disorder, you won’t know what this feeling is like.

It’s like a fear, a feeling that something big, dark, and doomy is hovering right behind me.

Like it’s just waiting for me to slip, a momentary lapse of focus, a loss of balance.

It’s when you’re dead tired, but you cannot sleep.

When everything tastes bad, so you don’t want to eat, but if you don’t eat you’re hungry. And if you do eat, you feel worse afterwards.

When all the fun has been drained out of your normally-fun things, and all you’re left with is going through the motions and wondering why you bother.

I don’t know what, if anything, has brought it on. Sometimes there’s a ‘trigger’ but sometimes there isn’t. When I was first diagnosed manic-depressive / bi-polar, it was cyclical. I had roughly 4 to 6 weeks of manic then roughly 8 to 10 months of depression. Then for  years it was gone and I was ok. Then for a few years I was really depressed.

Then last year, I thought I was ok again. Maybe I still am.

Just now and then, I get this huge sense of impending doomishness and it frightens me that the darkness is going to close in again.