Year and a bit Later

Posted 2019.01.04 17.10 in DID, Pointless Blather by Violet

I dunno if we should post this or not? I’ll schedule it, and see if anyone stops it.

It’s been a year and a bit. Almost 14 months i guess. Hard to say if things are any better or whatever. They say it can be a 5 to 10 year process with therapy and stuff, to process and recover and learn to live with all this stuff.

[CW: mental health issues]

So a year in, and yeah, that 5 to 10 year stuff sounds kinda realistic. Like we’re feeling like we’re still jjust at the first steps of all this.

First thing I guess. When older Violet wrote the Epilogue post last March, there was still a little bit of hope or whatever about Stephanie. Like, we weren’t entirely sure what had become of her and figured there was a (small) chance she could return.

Now we know; she is really and permanently gone. It was her own choice. We found out in the summer I think. Another part revealed herself to us in May and she had access to some memories of that time, she knew what had happened with Steph.

We’ve also lost older Violet over the summer. She struggled with anxiety and let herself get overwhelmed by the responsibilities, and retreated inside to hide. We are hopeful she’ll return at some point. I miss her alot. 🙁

I guess there’s been a bit of improvement in some areas. Bit more cooperation, a bit more communication and stuff. Not as much ‘lost time’. Maybe a bit less amnesia…but maybe not. The amnesia stuff can be really subtle, and you can get amnesia for amnesia so you don’t even know you’ve forgotten something. It gets complicated lol.

With older Violet missing, that’s left me (teen Violet) here most of the time. Viola helps out sometimes / with some things, but she’s also just a teen, and a bit more rebellious lol. And the other one who’s ‘here’ a lot, is Melissa. But she’s just a kid. (There’s more but the others mostly don’t come ‘out front’.)

It’s kinda not a great situation tbh, with two teens and a kid trying to live this old person’s life, lol. We’re not bad at faking it, like talking with people and stuff, nobody’s gonna guess they’re dealing with someone a lot younger. They might think we’re wierd or quirky or whatever but that appplied to Steph too so no big deal there.

(and obviously we’re not like, ‘actual’ teens and kids. We have access to a lot more memories and experiences and ‘life’ stuff. It’s hard to explain tbh but eg. Melissa ‘feels like’ a kid and likes kid stuff, but she also understands a lot of grownup concepts and words and stuff. She can ‘fake it’ on the phone if someone calls, or even in person if there’s an unexpected person at the door when she’s here.)

Mostly it’s really hard on us. Like imagine you went to sleep in the 1980’s and woke up now and suddenly you’re in a life that you didn’t pick for yourself, doing work maybe you don’t like, living somewhere that isn’t your choice. You’ve got debts and obligations someone else took on. And your body is suddenly old and you don’t have the chance to do the life you want for yourself.

Anyways, we’re still doing therapy. We changed to a different therapist tho, found one who has training and experience specific to treating people with DID. We just started with her last month tho so it’s still early to know how that’ll work out.

Our hope for treatment/healing is we’ll get to a point where we have good communication and no more amnesia, where we are able to work together as a team, with the right parts being present when needed, to handle life stuff as required.

Its a bit sad or depressing at times tho, thinking we’re like almost 14 months into this and still feels sometimes like we’re just starting out.

This whole thing that basically blew up for us in Nov 2017, we’ve seen it referred to as a ‘DID crisis’. It’s basically like, when it’s gone hidden for so long and you’ve been in denial and ignoring the symptoms and stuff, till finally everything just collapses or whatever, and now it’s all coming out. And your life goes upsidedown and your system has gone from a lifetime of ‘stealth mode’ to what they call ‘florid’ where its obvious and whatever… anyways this ‘DID crisis’ stuff can last for months, or years. And for some folks, they kinda just stay in ‘crisis’ mode.

So here we are, nearly 14 months later, still in our ‘DID crisis’ and struggling to manage life, work, finances, physical health, and mental health.

It’s not great.

Leave a Comment