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Lack of Posts

Posted 2017.07.07 8.37 in Did, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

I’ve been completely absent for months, sorry about that.

1) I’ve been focused mostly on health. Fitness. Became one of those people who watches everything she eats, and works out every single day.

I know, I’m shocked too. Now and then I stop and wonder who am I, and what have I done with the real Stephanie.

I’ve been writing a big long post about this (since January!) but I’m not ready to share it quite yet.

2) I’m more active* on Twitter, follow me there for ongoing proof of life.

(By ‘more active’ I mean, I post more than once every 6 months. I’m not tweeting nonstop all the boring minutia I encounter.)

No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in Did, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.

Imperceptions

Posted 2013.04.01 10.33 in Did, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.

That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.

I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.

And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.

Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite  wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.

At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.

So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.

Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?

Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.

Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.

The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.

All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?

Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?

All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?

Then who’s sending them?

So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.

In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.

But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.

That’s Crazy Talk

Posted 2012.04.25 8.31 in Did, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s been spider-weather lately. That whole spring showers thing – the 8-legged beasties are thawing out and waking up, then the rain drives them indoors.

I don’t approve of spiders. The creepiness of a creature is directly proportional to the number of legs it has. Extra eyes and wearing its skeleton on the wrong side are just additional strikes.

So lately I have like a dozen spiders roaming my livingroom ceiling. Quite brazenly too, they aren’t waiting till dark to scurry about. They’re strutting around like they own the place.

I’m not Ok with this, but I’m not running around trying to squash them either. For one thing, the ceiling is 9ft high so they’re hard to reach.

I’ve been worried that they’ll move into my bedroom. That’s where I draw the line. I can’t sleep while there’s spiders prancing around on the ceiling above me. I was just thinking this morning, how glad I am that they haven’t come into the bedroom yet.

Then that other part of my mind speaks up. The crazy part.

What if they are already in the bedroom and you just can’t see them yet?
Invisible spiders is a stupid idea.
Not invisible, but like, they don’t show up in normal light. Maybe they’re only noticable under a different kind of light?
You mean like a blacklight? Like how some scorpions are florescent? Spiders are related to scorpions.
Exactly. Get your blacklight and shine it around the bedroom, especialy the ceilings and corners.
Oh gods no, what if the ceiling is covered in invisible florescent spiders?!

And just like that, my normal rational line of thinking has been ursurped by the little crazy, and now I’m paranoid about blacklights in the bedroom incase I suddenly discover it’s full of invisible pseudo-scorpions.

Grasp of Time

Posted 2011.12.14 14.19 in Did, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

This week went by particularily fast. Or was it two weeks? It feels like only last night I was tinkering with the Arduino 1.0 library stuff. There were a couple weekends in there too, I think. It’s all just condensed into a blur. Stuff happened. I slept. I worked. That could have been any day. Or every day.

This has led me to think more about time in general, and how I perceive it. I think I have a pretty good grasp of seconds, and minutes. Hours are ok. Days… one or two, aren’t bad. When it starts getting up into the weeks thing though, that’s where it all starts to blur for me.

Thinking about it while coming in to work this morning, I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of time, as far back as the day before yesterday, and as far forward as the day after tomorrow. Beyond that though, it all just compresses together.

Except not these last two particular days, they’re very blurry.

I haven’t been able to sleep. My insomnia went into overdrive, I’ve been up till about 4am two nights in a row, but still waking up at the usual time in the morning to go to work. I don’t even use an alarm clock.. I just get up when I wake up, and that happens fairly consistantly at the same time most days, to get me to work on time. Even when I haven’t had enough sleep, it seems.

Needless to say, there hasn’t been anything to report, other then, “Still alive. Sleepy.”

20 Days and Counting

Posted 2010.11.04 13.12 in Did, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

By my estimation, it’s now been 20 days since I last had my meds. The abrupt drop-off from almost 2 years on significant dosages of mind-altering chemicals down to zero, continues to have side-affects. Though fortunately I think the affects might be starting to wane. Maybe.

It’s hard to say, actually. Maybe the effects are diminishing, or maybe I’m getting used to them. I’m hoping that my brain isn’t permanently broken, from suddenly going off the pillz.

I still get the dizziness and the ringing in my ears, though the ringing is not as loud I think. Instead I get a rushing in my ears, like I can hear blood flowing through my head. The rushing sound does correspond with increased dizziness, like I’ll get a Woosh! Woosh! Woosh! sensation in my ears at the same time as the world does a sommersault around me.

I’ve also found that sometimes I lose track of the here-and-now. It’s hard to describe. Like the other day I was driving along a road I am very familiar with, heading back to the office after visiting a supplier. There’s the WooshWooshWoosh in my ears accompanied by the moment of dizziness, and suddenly I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I don’t recognize the road, nor do I remember why I’m there. So I just keep driving and after 30 to 60 seconds the details come back. I figure out where I am and then figure out where I’m headed.

There’s also frequent headaches and constant aches and pains, fevers, and what feels like swolen lymph nodes in my neck, but I can’t be sure now if that’s all part of the withdrawals, or if maybe these are symptoms of some other new and exciting condition that’s just coming up.

In any event, I’m glad to be off the meds. Hopefully it hasn’t broken my brain or caused permanent damage, what with running out and then the doc and his staff being unresponsive in producing more.

What a Week that Was When?

Posted 2010.10.26 22.00 in Did, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

Time is speeding up and slowing down again. It seems like there’s all the time in the world, then I blink and a week has gone by.

And what a week! Or what a fortnight! It’s been a tumultuous week or two. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned some of this stuff yet or not – short term memory is affected.

It all started when I got really low on my brain meds. See, the shrink had got me on these two drugs, cryptospam and wellbutrin. He’d give me a perscription that would last just long enough till the next time I’d see him, then he’d give me more.

Only this time, the staff lost my appointment, and the soonest they could schedule a new one was 6 weeks later. I’m like, well not only does that suck, but I’m going to run out of meds. He was very specific about me not missing even one dose. And they’re like, …

Literally – they had no comment. So I asked, could he contact the pharmacy and send in a renewal? Then they say, no that isn’t how it works. Go to the pharmacy and have them contact the doctor, that’s how it works.

So when I’m ready to need more, I go to the pharmacy and let them know and they fax the paperwork in. No worries. A few days later I run out, and go in, and ask for the renewal and they haven’t heard from the doctor yet. They fax it again. I leave.

Come back again a few days later. No word. They call. Can’t get through. I call. The staff don’t answer phones there, you have to leave a message, which they will ignore then call you back a day or two later and ask what you wanted. At one point the pharmacist gave me a couple pills, enough to get through the weekend, since we were all pretty sure things would be resolved soon.

A few days later, the resolution was still forthcoming.

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