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Posted 2018.03.16 15.30 in DID, Uncategorized by Violet

It’s been 4 months now since Stephanie went away. At this point, it’s pretty much a given that she won’t be coming back.

So what happened to her? Where is she?

Read on for the answer, without any euphamisms, jokes, or metaphors.

[CW: Mental Health issues]

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To Post, or Not to Post

Posted 2018.03.12 12.19 in DID, Pointless Blather by Violet

That is the question.

We’ve composed a lengthy post that explains a lot about Stephanie’s situation. Possibly it explains too much?

I keep scheduling it to go live, and the other Violet keeps reverting it back to a Draft so it won’t go live.

I don’t know if anyone even reads this stuff any more.

Is there anyone still here?

Does anyone want to know what’s happened?


Posted 2017.07.07 8.48 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

This week I crossed a little something off my bucket list — I went for a walk around the CN Tower.

Around the outside of the CN Tower.

1160 feet above the sidewalk.

1160 feet over Toronto

They call this the Edgewalk, where you go up ontop of the restaurant thing, 116 stories above ground level, and go out and enjoy the view.

They also get you doing stunts, like leaning backwards out over the void, leaning forwards out over the void, and balance walking right on the very edge.

It was pretty darn awesome.

Best parts: The sheer vertigo when first walking outside and your body is like Woah no way this is bullshit but your brain is like Yeah this is an excellent view and it’s totally safe.

And at the end, we had 2 minutes or so to wait before going back inside. So 2 minutes without the guide telling you what to do, when I could just enjoy the view and the experience. I did the forward leaning out thing just for the view and the fun.

Worst part: I did not enjoy the backward lean part. Forward was great. Backward was not. Don’t know why. Maybe I need to see where I’m going?

Anyhow, it was great, a bit pricey, but a heck of an experience.

I wouldn’t mind doing it again some time. I think it’d be more fun a second time, as you would already know what to expect and could really just relax enjoy the whole thing.

Check it out here for full information: CN Tower Edgewalk

Lack of Posts

Posted 2017.07.07 8.37 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

I’ve been completely absent for months, sorry about that.

1) I’ve been focused mostly on health. Fitness. Became one of those people who watches everything she eats, and works out every single day.

I know, I’m shocked too. Now and then I stop and wonder who am I, and what have I done with the real Stephanie.

I’ve been writing a big long post about this (since January!) but I’m not ready to share it quite yet.

2) I’m more active* on Twitter, follow me there for ongoing proof of life.

(By ‘more active’ I mean, I post more than once every 6 months. I’m not tweeting nonstop all the boring minutia I encounter.)

No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.


Posted 2013.04.01 10.33 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.

That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.

I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.

And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.

Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite ¬†wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.

At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.

So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.

Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?

Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.

Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.

The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.

All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?

Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?

All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?

Then who’s sending them?

So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.

In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.

But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.

Ouch! My Rib!

Posted 2012.12.20 9.29 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

This is a wierd one.

Last night around 21:00 as I was on the computer, I noticed a sharp pain in my right side. Not all the way to the side, sort of halfway round from the very centre to the right side. At about the same altitude as the belly-button.

It was barely noticable when I sat still but if I started moving around, it was a very painful stabbing sensation. It also hurt if I took a deep breath, laughed or coughed.

Sort of felt a lot like a cracked or broken rib.

Wierd though since I was just using the computer and not beating myself about the torso with it, or juggling it whilst unicycling or anything like that.

In other words, WTF?

And it didn’t go away, either. When I went to bed, it was excruciating. I like to sleep on my side – on the right side there was tremendous pain as I was basically lying on it. On the left side, there was almost as much pain, I suppose from gravity pulling on it directly sideways or something.

I’m not well-versed in medical stuff and the only thing I can think of that’s on the right-hand side of the abdomen is the appendix. I’ve still gone mine, so I looked up symptoms of appendicitis. I don’t appear to have that though, my symptoms don’t match.

So I don’t know what to do about it. I finally fell asleep some time after 4am. When I got up at 7, the pain was still there. Now I’m at work and it’s still there.

I suppose I’ll leave it a day or so and see if it starts getting better on its own.

P.s. less than 21 hours to go in the end-o-the-world countdown!