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That’s Crazy Talk

Posted 2012.04.25 8.31 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s been spider-weather lately. That whole spring showers thing – the 8-legged beasties are thawing out and waking up, then the rain drives them indoors.

I don’t approve of spiders. The creepiness of a creature is directly proportional to the number of legs it has. Extra eyes and wearing its skeleton on the wrong side are just additional strikes.

So lately I have like a dozen spiders roaming my livingroom ceiling. Quite brazenly too, they aren’t waiting till dark to scurry about. They’re strutting around like they own the place.

I’m not Ok with this, but I’m not running around trying to squash them either. For one thing, the ceiling is 9ft high so they’re hard to reach.

I’ve been worried that they’ll move into my bedroom. That’s where I draw the line. I can’t sleep while there’s spiders prancing around on the ceiling above me. I was just thinking this morning, how glad I am that they haven’t come into the bedroom yet.

Then that other part of my mind speaks up. The crazy part.

What if they are already in the bedroom and you just can’t see them yet?
Invisible spiders is a stupid idea.
Not invisible, but like, they don’t show up in normal light. Maybe they’re only noticable under a different kind of light?
You mean like a blacklight? Like how some scorpions are florescent? Spiders are related to scorpions.
Exactly. Get your blacklight and shine it around the bedroom, especialy the ceilings and corners.
Oh gods no, what if the ceiling is covered in invisible florescent spiders?!

And just like that, my normal rational line of thinking has been ursurped by the little crazy, and now I’m paranoid about blacklights in the bedroom incase I suddenly discover it’s full of invisible pseudo-scorpions.

Grasp of Time

Posted 2011.12.14 14.19 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

This week went by particularily fast. Or was it two weeks? It feels like only last night I was tinkering with the Arduino 1.0 library stuff. There were a couple weekends in there too, I think. It’s all just condensed into a blur. Stuff happened. I slept. I worked. That could have been any day. Or every day.

This has led me to think more about time in general, and how I perceive it. I think I have a pretty good grasp of seconds, and minutes. Hours are ok. Days… one or two, aren’t bad. When it starts getting up into the weeks thing though, that’s where it all starts to blur for me.

Thinking about it while coming in to work this morning, I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of time, as far back as the day before yesterday, and as far forward as the day after tomorrow. Beyond that though, it all just compresses together.

Except not these last two particular days, they’re very blurry.

I haven’t been able to sleep. My insomnia went into overdrive, I’ve been up till about 4am two nights in a row, but still waking up at the usual time in the morning to go to work. I don’t even use an alarm clock.. I just get up when I wake up, and that happens fairly consistantly at the same time most days, to get me to work on time. Even when I haven’t had enough sleep, it seems.

Needless to say, there hasn’t been anything to report, other then, “Still alive. Sleepy.”

20 Days and Counting

Posted 2010.11.04 13.12 in DID, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

By my estimation, it’s now been 20 days since I last had my meds. The abrupt drop-off from almost 2 years on significant dosages of mind-altering chemicals down to zero, continues to have side-affects. Though fortunately I think the affects might be starting to wane. Maybe.

It’s hard to say, actually. Maybe the effects are diminishing, or maybe I’m getting used to them. I’m hoping that my brain isn’t permanently broken, from suddenly going off the pillz.

I still get the dizziness and the ringing in my ears, though the ringing is not as loud I think. Instead I get a rushing in my ears, like I can hear blood flowing through my head. The rushing sound does correspond with increased dizziness, like I’ll get a Woosh! Woosh! Woosh! sensation in my ears at the same time as the world does a sommersault around me.

I’ve also found that sometimes I lose track of the here-and-now. It’s hard to describe. Like the other day I was driving along a road I am very familiar with, heading back to the office after visiting a supplier. There’s the WooshWooshWoosh in my ears accompanied by the moment of dizziness, and suddenly I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I don’t recognize the road, nor do I remember why I’m there. So I just keep driving and after 30 to 60 seconds the details come back. I figure out where I am and then figure out where I’m headed.

There’s also frequent headaches and constant aches and pains, fevers, and what feels like swolen lymph nodes in my neck, but I can’t be sure now if that’s all part of the withdrawals, or if maybe these are symptoms of some other new and exciting condition that’s just coming up.

In any event, I’m glad to be off the meds. Hopefully it hasn’t broken my brain or caused permanent damage, what with running out and then the doc and his staff being unresponsive in producing more.

What a Week that Was When?

Posted 2010.10.26 22.00 in DID, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

Time is speeding up and slowing down again. It seems like there’s all the time in the world, then I blink and a week has gone by.

And what a week! Or what a fortnight! It’s been a tumultuous week or two. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned some of this stuff yet or not – short term memory is affected.

It all started when I got really low on my brain meds. See, the shrink had got me on these two drugs, cryptospam and wellbutrin. He’d give me a perscription that would last just long enough till the next time I’d see him, then he’d give me more.

Only this time, the staff lost my appointment, and the soonest they could schedule a new one was 6 weeks later. I’m like, well not only does that suck, but I’m going to run out of meds. He was very specific about me not missing even one dose. And they’re like, …

Literally – they had no comment. So I asked, could he contact the pharmacy and send in a renewal? Then they say, no that isn’t how it works. Go to the pharmacy and have them contact the doctor, that’s how it works.

So when I’m ready to need more, I go to the pharmacy and let them know and they fax the paperwork in. No worries. A few days later I run out, and go in, and ask for the renewal and they haven’t heard from the doctor yet. They fax it again. I leave.

Come back again a few days later. No word. They call. Can’t get through. I call. The staff don’t answer phones there, you have to leave a message, which they will ignore then call you back a day or two later and ask what you wanted. At one point the pharmacist gave me a couple pills, enough to get through the weekend, since we were all pretty sure things would be resolved soon.

A few days later, the resolution was still forthcoming.

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Evil Invisible Gnomes

Posted 2010.08.30 16.27 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

So last night while I was laying in bed, it suddenly occured to me that Ouch, normally the bedsheet does not cause me any pain in the knee. So why was my knee all sore and tender now?

Today I had a look and my knee is all black and blue and purple, like someone had at it with a stick or club or something.

Now I don’t recall any kind of beat-down, nor for that matter do I remember taking any unexpected trips to the ground. So this can only be the result of one thing:

Evil Invisible Garden Gnomes.

They’re sneaking into my house at night and beating me with sticks while I’m asleep.

I know they’re invisible because I can’t see any garden gnomes in the neighborhood when I look for them. And I surmise that they are evil because they’re invisible, and therefore they can be evil and get away with it.

Plus, if they were friendly or visible garden gnomes, I’d like to think they would sneak in and clean my house while I slept, rather than pummel me with blunt objects.

Here is photographic proof: You can clearly see that no friendly or visible garden gnomes exist. Therefore the only garden gnomes in this photo are the evil invisible variety. It is conclusive!


Posted 2009.12.20 10.03 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Unfocused pretty much describes me right now. Unable to focus. Focus-free. Not blurry, just… unfocused.

I’m supposed to be working. All weekend. Household chores and office work. Like every other weekend, I write up a checklist so I know what I need to do, and check each thing off as I go.

This weekend though… kaput. Nada. Nothing.

Yesterday, instead of accomplishing the eleven tasks I had on my list, I achieved only two. The rest of the day was spent sleeping, or resting, or just staring into space.

Maybe it’s the season? Monday is the winter solstace. Shortest day, longest night, darkest dark. So this weekend we’re pretty close to that. Not much light. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired out and need to catch up on my zzzzzzs.

Or maybe I’m shutting down – when the stress and pressure get to be too much, I sieze up and go off-line. Some stress and pressure is good, up to a point it helps me function, but past that point things begin to fail quickly.

Also, I’ve just got around to increasing the dosage on my meds, that the doctor RXed last month, so that might be contributing.

I don’t know.

Whatever it is, all I do know is that another day goes by, it’s another day closer to the various deadlines, and one less day I have to achieve what needs to be done.

They tell me Friday is a holiday. Long weekends are good – it’s a chance to get more work done, get caught up a bit.



A Year Of Living Crazily

Posted 2009.12.02 7.46 in DID, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

Roughly speaking, more or less, it’s been about a year since I started taking my mind-altering drugs – a year of cryptospam.

Originally I was just taking one of these a day. Then after a couple months, it went up to two a day. Two a day seemed good, worked well for several months. By well, I mean, you know, stable, steady.

Then lately, like end of October / beginning of November, I started having wild mood swings. One day I’d be up, bouncing off the walls, everything was cool. Then the next day or two or twelve, I’d be down, really morose, wondering what was the point of anything.

It was pretty messed up.

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