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It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.
I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.
Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.
Now I’m just feeling empty.
Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.
When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.
Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.
So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.
And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.
Yesterday evening a very good friend brought it to my attention that my recently abnormal audio-visual experiences might in fact not be the result of demonic posession or evil sorcery, or even mundane craziness.
Apparently, according to her, all that and more can be attributed to lack of sleep.
Lack of sleep, or poor sleep, are of course ongoing themes in my existance. I take hours to fall asleep, wake up frequently, and I’ve got sleep apnea so even when I think I’m sleeping, I’m probably not.
She suggested that some supplements might help me get some decent sleep, and that in turn could help me with the depression, stress, et cetera.
So I took the suggestion and ran with it!
Pilz-E said he’d guard the pills for me. He’s good that way.
I got Melatonin to help with the sleeping because my sleeping seriously needs help and the bottle said it would help with that and I got 5-HTP because it’ll “Promote Healthy Mood Balance” and I don’t wanna have my mood balance be all unhealthy which I bet it is right now because I haven’t been taking 5-HTP before and then there’s a great big economy-size bottle of back-pain pills because my back hurts a lot because when I was eighteen I broke it skydiving but I got better but now it hurts and who’d have ever thought that breaking your back would have any kind of long term effects that’d haunt me 20 years later.
So hopefully in a week or so, I’ll be sleeping quietly, mentally stable, free of backpain, and will no longer have the insides of my eyeballs spelling out messages in Elder Futhark while I’m trying to drive.
Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.
That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.
I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.
And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.
Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.
At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.
So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.
Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?
Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.
Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.
The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.
All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?
Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?
All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?
Then who’s sending them?
So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.
In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.
But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.
So anyways, the world didn’t end on December 21st. Or on the 31st. Or even on the 25th.
The whole apocalypse thing was a complete bust.
Everything just kept on keeping on, same as always.
It’s the one scenario I was completely unprepared for, too.
Now to top it off, I’ve got some kind of coldvirusbugflu thing that’s kicking the crap out of me. I’m feeling dead sick, dead tired, and the world continues to exist with all its demands and responsibilities.
Being sick and still having to face all the pressures that didn’t go away when the world didn’t end, is starting to slide me back into that dark pit of depression again. Not sure I ever got fully out of it, but for a little while there I wasn’t feeling it so heavily.
Hence the lack of updates here. Not counting this one.
Just an update on the end-of-the-world stuff.
I’ve read that the exact moment of the Solstice is apparently 11:12 UTC, which would put it at 06:12 here in the eastern standard timezone (aka Toronto, New York, etc.)
Clearly that’s way too early for a normal person to be intentionally awake, so my only chance of seeing the world end depends on my insomnia and sleep apnea.
Or I guess if the whole ending process takes more than a few minutes, then I can wake up in time to catch the third period.
Additionally, if you’re planning a big End-O-The-World party for Friday night, you’re either going to be celebrating the world not-ending, or you’re going to miss the whole thing. Depending on how it pans out.
Personally, I think I’ll raise a glass on Thursday night, and hug my kitties extra close.
So maybe if you’re apocalypse-minded you’re thinking that next week the world is going to end? It’s just seven days till the winter solstice. December 21, 2012.
Offhand I can’t remember if the world was supposed to end at the sunrise, or the sunset. And then, was that for which timezone?
Of course, there’s a chance the world won’t end at all. Saturday December 22nd might just be another day like every other.
I assume there are lots of big partys planned for next Friday – though if the end comes at sunrise then maybe the parties should be Thursday night?
Actually to be safe, maybe we should plan to party from Thursday evening straight on through till Friday night? Or Saturday morning even.
If the world doesn’t end, I predict a lot of hangovers come Saturday morning, that’s for sure.
I wonder how many people are afraid, versus how many are secretly (or not-so-secretly) looking forward to it.
Personally, I’m in a dark place right now, and I just feel blah about the whole thing. Take it or leave it, you know?
- If it ends, I’ll want to see it, I hope it won’t hurt, and I’ll miss my cats.
- If it doesn’t end, it’ll just be back to the same-old same-old routine, I guess.
Or there’s the third option – that it won’t be the end of the world, just the end of the world as we know it.
That’s kind of the wild-card. Maybe it’ll be a huge social-political-spiritual-economical-geographical upheaval that means we all have to start over from scratch. Or maybe not all – maybe only some. For the others, it might still be the end of the world.
Either way, I predict next Friday will be an Interesting Day™.