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Another Late-Night Critique of Stoopid Commercials

Posted 2007.01.24 1.00 in Music/Movies/TV by Stephanie

So this commercial, I’ve seen it a few times. It’s been running a while so you might have seen it too.

The gist of it is there’s some guy, a white guy, wearing robes, walking through some quiet peaceful soundstudio. And he comes upon a poor little baby turtle that’s on its back, so robe guy – maybe he’s supposed to be a monk – stops and puts the turtle on its feet.

Then a few steps along, robe-guy stops at the edge of a little pond, where some poor goldfish is flopping about on the astroturf. He stops and picks the goldfish up, putting it back in the water.

There’s more to the commercial, but this is as far as I get. Every time I watch it, by this point I am wondering: When do we get to see robe-guy’s arch nemesis? Really, who is the jackass that’s always just 10 steps ahead, tipping over baby turtles and catching the fish and dumping them on the ground?

That’s what I want to know about.

Personally I think robe-guy has an evil twin. They were separated at birth (or maybe breakfast. Whatever.) and robe-guy thinks he just lives in an area populated with very, very stupid animals. But really it’s robe-guy’s evil twin, sneaking about endangering all the cutesy little critters. Robe-guy’s evil twin dresses the same, so he’s also a robe-guy, but he wears shades instead of glasses. It’s a subtle difference but that’s how we know he’s evil.

Not that there’s anything inherently evil about wearing shades. They only denote evil when you have an identical twin who dresses exactly the same except they don’t wear shades.

Anyhow, so robe-guy’s evil twin, anti-robe-guy, is maybe an anti-monk — if robe-guy is actually a monk and not just a confused mid-life-crisis guy. So robe-guy and the anti-monk…

That actually sounds like a good name for a tv show or comic book. Robe Guy and the Anti-Monk! Coming to a theatre / tv screen / comic book near you! Real soon! Maybe!

Anyways robe-guy and the anti-monk never meet, robe-guy doesn’t even know anti-monk exists, but he has no choice but to follow along, following the trail of upturned baby turtles, landed goldfish, and who knows what else. It’s not much of an existance — for either of them — but then, such is the life of a one-dimensional character stuck in a tv commercial.

Sometimes, it’s good to babble nonsensically.