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Another Late-Night Critique of Stoopid Commercials

Posted 2007.01.24 1.00 in Music/Movies/TV by Stephanie

So this commercial, I’ve seen it a few times. It’s been running a while so you might have seen it too.

The gist of it is there’s some guy, a white guy, wearing robes, walking through some quiet peaceful soundstudio. And he comes upon a poor little baby turtle that’s on its back, so robe guy – maybe he’s supposed to be a monk – stops and puts the turtle on its feet.

Then a few steps along, robe-guy stops at the edge of a little pond, where some poor goldfish is flopping about on the astroturf. He stops and picks the goldfish up, putting it back in the water.

There’s more to the commercial, but this is as far as I get. Every time I watch it, by this point I am wondering: When do we get to see robe-guy’s arch nemesis? Really, who is the jackass that’s always just 10 steps ahead, tipping over baby turtles and catching the fish and dumping them on the ground?

That’s what I want to know about.

Personally I think robe-guy has an evil twin. They were separated at birth (or maybe breakfast. Whatever.) and robe-guy thinks he just lives in an area populated with very, very stupid animals. But really it’s robe-guy’s evil twin, sneaking about endangering all the cutesy little critters. Robe-guy’s evil twin dresses the same, so he’s also a robe-guy, but he wears shades instead of glasses. It’s a subtle difference but that’s how we know he’s evil.

Not that there’s anything inherently evil about wearing shades. They only denote evil when you have an identical twin who dresses exactly the same except they don’t wear shades.

Anyhow, so robe-guy’s evil twin, anti-robe-guy, is maybe an anti-monk — if robe-guy is actually a monk and not just a confused mid-life-crisis guy. So robe-guy and the anti-monk…

That actually sounds like a good name for a tv show or comic book. Robe Guy and the Anti-Monk! Coming to a theatre / tv screen / comic book near you! Real soon! Maybe!

Anyways robe-guy and the anti-monk never meet, robe-guy doesn’t even know anti-monk exists, but he has no choice but to follow along, following the trail of upturned baby turtles, landed goldfish, and who knows what else. It’s not much of an existance — for either of them — but then, such is the life of a one-dimensional character stuck in a tv commercial.

Sometimes, it’s good to babble nonsensically.

Morons + Power Tools = Darwin at Work?

Posted 2006.12.05 1.00 in Music/Movies/TV by Stephanie

So this commercial comes on the tv. It’s some klutz who doesn’t understand how to make a hand saw work. Let me repeat that: Doesn’t Understand How To Make A Hand Saw Work. That’s right. Not talking about anything fancy. Not a coping saw, nor a back saw, nor a keyhole saw, nor a swiss saw, nor a bow saw, nor a hacksaw, nor a Japanese flush-cut saw. Just a plain old ordinary standard-purpose hand saw. And this stooge can’t make it go.

So what’s Black and Decker’s solution for this fool? They want to give him a power tool! Yeah! Here’s a putz that can’t drive a single piece of metal with no moving parts that you simply move backwards and forwards, and they figure the answer is to give him a motorized plug-in cutting device that can go through human flesh and bone at 2 inches per second.

Now, my first reaction is to think these guys at Black and Decker are nuts! I mean, great, you want to sell product, make money, but this is crazy. Some of these morons might have kids, unlikely as it may seem.

Then, after a moment, I realized that maybe it’s not such a bad idea. I mean, anyone as thick as this fellow on the commercial, is going to get himself killed sooner or later anyhow. Might as well cut the suspense and make sure when he screws up, it’s over fast and decisively. Otherwise he might end up dropping his keys, getting in his car and accidentally locking himself inside the vehicle, and slowly starving to death – or suffocating, if the windows are rolled up. Compared to that, a power-saw mishap is going to be positively merciful.

It reminds me of a commercial for a screwdriver for handymorons. They showed a bunch of people opening multi-bit screwdrivers upside-down, so all the bits fell out. How’d these people even survive into adulthood? How can you be so stupid as to open any enclosure upside-down, be it a multi-bit screwdriver, or a carton of milk, or jar of jelly? Why didn’t these people starve to death? And if they’re too thick to know how to open the screwdriver, what makes anyone think they’ll know what to do with it when they get it open?

It almost makes me curious to see what these dunderheads are going to build. TV is telling the hapless that now matter how clumsy and clueless you are, the answer is to use powertools. Maybe in 6 months the Discovery Channel can do a special – Power Tool Tradgedies, and the Things They Tried to Build.