Happy solstace, joyous Yule, and all that.

Winter is now upon us, and although the days will start getting longer, they will continue to grow colder, for reasons I’ve never fully grasped.

Seriously, it’s like the seasons are 45 degrees out of phase with the tilt of the Earth’s axis in relation to the position of the planet’s orbit. Today is the day that the sun’s rays have the most air to go through before hitting those of us on the northern hemisphere. Today’s the day that there’s the least sunlight on the northern hemisphere. Why is it that the coldest day’s don’t hit till February?

Half the time it’s still winter-cold and snowy when the vernal equinox comes round in March! That’s not right – by then the days and nights are the same length, and the sun’s energy is much less oblique and more perpendicular, so there’s way less atmosphere – yet the real warm days don’t hit till after the summer solstace!

It just doesn’t make sense. Like I said – the seasons are 45 degrees out of phase with the whole scientific-explanation thingy.

I had a dream last night about coming completely undone. I seem to be in an ever-increasing state of general befuddlement, punctuated by moments of extreme focus.

Like, when I’m on a task, I can really focus in on it and get at it, whether it’s work or fun or whatever. But in between tasks, half the time I’m clueless. I forget where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing, I can’t even remember for more than an hour things like what day is it, what month is it, what season is it? At times I have to concentrate to remember left and right. I make lists all the time, and then if I forget the list or I forget to look at the list then stuff doesn’t get done.

Like there’s so much going into my brain, it’s full, it’s on overload. To quote Homer Simpson, “Remember that time I took a home winemaking course, then forgot how to drive?” well ok it’s not quite like that.

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So I was on my way to work this morning, when I grabbed a coffee and a blueberry muffin.  The muffin was really sweet and yummy, and then it hit me – what’s the difference between a muffin and a cupcake?

They are both similar in shape and size. They both tend to wear little pleated paper skirts. Unless I miss my guess, both can be made in a ‘muffin tray’. And both come from the oven. So what is the determining factor that one is a muffin and the other is a cupcake?

My first thought was that the latter has frosting and the former does not.  But then, I realize that this is probably not a definitive basis for classification.  I am certain that I have seen things advertised as muffins, yet which bear frosting. 

What Is It?

So then I think, if it’s not something obvious then maybe it’s something internal, genetic.

Although my understanding of biology is somewhat shaky, I have read somewhere that one determining factor of whether two things are the same species or not, is if they can mate and have viable offspring. So if a muffin and a cupcake can couple and produce an offspring that itself is fertile, that means that muffins and cupcakes are the same thing. Now I’ve never seen a mufcake or a cupfin (that I know of) but absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Cupcakes and muffins do not generally associate with each other, due to social pressures. One is a breakfast food and the other is desert. It’s like the Hatfields and McCoys, they aren’t allowed to fraternize with each other.

Now, before I go kidnapping cupcakes and muffins to start some twisted pseudo-scientific cross-breeding programme, I think I will try and explore a few more less-crazy options. I’m thinking, the experts at Get Frosted! may be able to help shed some light on the classification.

In the meantime, I will continue my own daily research. I know they make chocolate muffins… if I can locate a bran cupcake, that may confirm my suspicions.

How am I supposed to know when this stuff works, anyways?

I’ve read all the literature I can find, and it’s really good about describing what the side effects are, but actually nowhere does it describe what the desired effect is.

Is it supposed to make me feel good? Or just make me feel less bad? How much less is enough? There ought to be a way to measure or meter it, so you know if it’s working or not.

Hmph.

In other news, I discovered there’s actually a Wordpress for Dummies book, so I might pick that up to start figuring out this new fangled stuff.

I’m confused and I’m lost, I don’t know who I am
It’s dark I can’t see, only shadows and whispers
Running scared through the darkness
Searching and trying, not finding my way
The whispers are shouting, I can’t hear them
I won’t, they confuse and distract
Now I’m falling, I’m scared, I’m still falling
Through blackness can’t see, there is nothing familliar
I clutch and I grab things, nothing helps
Nothing stops me, so dark I don’t know
How far have I fallen, what lies beneath me
How far down does it go, when will it end
It is not a dream.

…what the hell am I doing? I don’t know. I had a great day on Saturday, it was amazing. It all started with wanting to cut the lawn. A week or so ago a big tree branch fell and crushed my BBQ and damaged my outdoor fireplace thingy… I might have blobbed about it. Anyhow, so before I could cut the back lawn I had to deal with the tree branch. So I did – I got out my swiss saw and I gradually cut it up till it was all made into little logs. I then picked up the branches and twigs and whatnot, and finally was able to cut the back lawn. Early on, I got a small fire going in the fireplace thingy, and gradually while I was making the big log into little logs, I was burning it. At one point, I set my iPod onto some speakers so I had some music. Then I opened a beer, and then another, and so on. It turned into a wonderful day. It was fun like camping, without the 4 hour drive and canoes and bugs. Ok it wasn’t like camping at all but had a lot of the fun aspects of camping. I cooked food on my outdoor fire. I drank beer. I cut wood and split logs. I managed to give myself a few small injuries. All in all, it was a great day. Then Sunday was ok. Not great, but definately adequate. I had a lot of aches and pains though from Saturday. Monday, more of the same. An ok day. Today, the long weekend over, I’m in at work. It was going ok for the first half – an ok day, although the wonderment of Saturday is wearing thin, the residual fun is wearing off… then pow. Unpleasant work stuff sets in, feels like a kick in the stomach, and I don’t want to be here. I want to go home, hide, sit by my fire, drink beer, whatever. All the depression and hopelessness that has been kept at bay since Saturday, is back with a vengance. I wonder sometimes, if there was a class or lesson back at school maybe, where everyone else was told “here’s the secret to dealing with the futility of it all” but I was away that day. I feel like I don’t know how to live, how to deal with it all, how to play well with others, how to just stop caring and stop thinking and just be one of the many ants in the hill, cogs in the machine, just shut up and do your part and don’t question, think, dream, or wonder. Does everyone else, all the time, want to quit, run, hide, scream, cry, shout? Does anyone else want to just put the world on hold, leave the world listening to muzzak while she steps outside for a quick break? Can you hang on a minute? I won’t be long, I’ll be back in five or six years. Or never. Here, listen to some elevator music while I’m gone. If only. I used to scoff at hermits; it’s easy to achieve peace and spirituality, commune with the gods and nature when you don’t have other people in your face all the time. Now I’m not so sure, after all what’s wrong with taking the easy way out? All the modern conveniences are designed to do just that after all, make life easier for us. Maybe that’s the real goal, is to be able to deal with people on your terms rather than theirs. I also can’t help wondering, what’s the point of it all – I mean everything. The plants and trees and animals and fish, have it easy. There’s no guesswork. Their purpose is clear, their imperitive is biological. Why is it so hard for us? Self-awareness and ability to choose: blessing or curse? I look around at the world, how we treat the planet, the other creatures on the planet, and each other. We’re not helpful. I wonder if it’s all a big test, or a big game, and I don’t think we’re the object, or the subject. I feel like the game, the experiment, is the universe decided to fuck with the world, and see if it could survive us. We’re destructive, we damage things. We take what we want from the planet, from the environment, from each other. If we aren’t destroying each other, we’re destroying ourselves. Drugs, alcohol, fast food. Yeah there’s always exceptions to the rule, I’m sure there are people who are good and positive and walk among us spreading peace and contentment and take nothing in return. And we’ll find them and lock them up or taint them or ridicule them. We’re destroyers. And yeah I know this has meandered a long way from me feeling shitty at work to me condemning the whole human race, but when I get depressed and start to question, I just run with it. Now, how about that elevator music?