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Eddys In The Stream

Posted 2008.08.11 0.00 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

I’m confused and I’m lost, I don’t know who I am
It’s dark I can’t see, only shadows and whispers
Running scared through the darkness
Searching and trying, not finding my way
The whispers are shouting, I can’t hear them
I won’t, they confuse and distract
Now I’m falling, I’m scared, I’m still falling
Through blackness can’t see, there is nothing familliar
I clutch and I grab things, nothing helps
Nothing stops me, so dark I don’t know
How far have I fallen, what lies beneath me
How far down does it go, when will it end
It is not a dream.

I wonder sometimes…

Posted 2008.08.05 0.00 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

…what the hell am I doing? I don’t know. I had a great day on Saturday, it was amazing. It all started with wanting to cut the lawn. A week or so ago a big tree branch fell and crushed my BBQ and damaged my outdoor fireplace thingy… I might have blobbed about it. Anyhow, so before I could cut the back lawn I had to deal with the tree branch. So I did – I got out my swiss saw and I gradually cut it up till it was all made into little logs. I then picked up the branches and twigs and whatnot, and finally was able to cut the back lawn. Early on, I got a small fire going in the fireplace thingy, and gradually while I was making the big log into little logs, I was burning it. At one point, I set my iPod onto some speakers so I had some music. Then I opened a beer, and then another, and so on. It turned into a wonderful day. It was fun like camping, without the 4 hour drive and canoes and bugs. Ok it wasn’t like camping at all but had a lot of the fun aspects of camping. I cooked food on my outdoor fire. I drank beer. I cut wood and split logs. I managed to give myself a few small injuries. All in all, it was a great day. Then Sunday was ok. Not great, but definately adequate. I had a lot of aches and pains though from Saturday. Monday, more of the same. An ok day. Today, the long weekend over, I’m in at work. It was going ok for the first half – an ok day, although the wonderment of Saturday is wearing thin, the residual fun is wearing off… then pow. Unpleasant work stuff sets in, feels like a kick in the stomach, and I don’t want to be here. I want to go home, hide, sit by my fire, drink beer, whatever. All the depression and hopelessness that has been kept at bay since Saturday, is back with a vengance. I wonder sometimes, if there was a class or lesson back at school maybe, where everyone else was told “here’s the secret to dealing with the futility of it all” but I was away that day. I feel like I don’t know how to live, how to deal with it all, how to play well with others, how to just stop caring and stop thinking and just be one of the many ants in the hill, cogs in the machine, just shut up and do your part and don’t question, think, dream, or wonder. Does everyone else, all the time, want to quit, run, hide, scream, cry, shout? Does anyone else want to just put the world on hold, leave the world listening to muzzak while she steps outside for a quick break? Can you hang on a minute? I won’t be long, I’ll be back in five or six years. Or never. Here, listen to some elevator music while I’m gone. If only. I used to scoff at hermits; it’s easy to achieve peace and spirituality, commune with the gods and nature when you don’t have other people in your face all the time. Now I’m not so sure, after all what’s wrong with taking the easy way out? All the modern conveniences are designed to do just that after all, make life easier for us. Maybe that’s the real goal, is to be able to deal with people on your terms rather than theirs. I also can’t help wondering, what’s the point of it all – I mean everything. The plants and trees and animals and fish, have it easy. There’s no guesswork. Their purpose is clear, their imperitive is biological. Why is it so hard for us? Self-awareness and ability to choose: blessing or curse? I look around at the world, how we treat the planet, the other creatures on the planet, and each other. We’re not helpful. I wonder if it’s all a big test, or a big game, and I don’t think we’re the object, or the subject. I feel like the game, the experiment, is the universe decided to fuck with the world, and see if it could survive us. We’re destructive, we damage things. We take what we want from the planet, from the environment, from each other. If we aren’t destroying each other, we’re destroying ourselves. Drugs, alcohol, fast food. Yeah there’s always exceptions to the rule, I’m sure there are people who are good and positive and walk among us spreading peace and contentment and take nothing in return. And we’ll find them and lock them up or taint them or ridicule them. We’re destroyers. And yeah I know this has meandered a long way from me feeling shitty at work to me condemning the whole human race, but when I get depressed and start to question, I just run with it. Now, how about that elevator music?