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An Alternate Theory

Posted 2013.04.02 21.10 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Yesterday evening a very good friend brought it to my attention that my recently abnormal audio-visual experiences might in fact not be the result of demonic posession or evil sorcery, or even mundane craziness.

Apparently, according to her, all that and more can be attributed to lack of sleep.

Lack of sleep, or poor sleep, are of course ongoing themes in my existance. I take hours to fall asleep, wake up frequently, and I’ve got sleep apnea so even when I think I’m sleeping, I’m probably not.

She suggested that some supplements might help me get some decent sleep, and that in turn could help me with the depression, stress, et cetera.

So I took the suggestion and ran with it!

All The Pills

Pilz-E said he’d guard the pills for me. He’s good that way.

I got Melatonin to help with the sleeping because my sleeping seriously needs help and the bottle said it would help with that and I got 5-HTP because it’ll “Promote Healthy Mood Balance” and I don’t wanna have my mood balance be all unhealthy which I bet it is right now because I haven’t been taking 5-HTP before and then there’s a great big economy-size bottle of back-pain pills because my back hurts a lot because when I was eighteen I broke it skydiving but I got better but now it hurts and who’d have ever thought that breaking your back would have any kind of long term effects that’d haunt me 20 years later.

So hopefully in a week or so, I’ll be sleeping quietly, mentally stable, free of backpain, and will no longer have the insides of my eyeballs spelling out messages in Elder Futhark while I’m trying to drive.

Imperceptions

Posted 2013.04.01 10.33 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.

That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.

I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.

And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.

Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite  wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.

At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.

So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.

Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?

Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.

Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.

The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.

All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?

Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?

All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?

Then who’s sending them?

So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.

In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.

But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.

That’s Crazy Talk

Posted 2012.04.25 8.31 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s been spider-weather lately. That whole spring showers thing – the 8-legged beasties are thawing out and waking up, then the rain drives them indoors.

I don’t approve of spiders. The creepiness of a creature is directly proportional to the number of legs it has. Extra eyes and wearing its skeleton on the wrong side are just additional strikes.

So lately I have like a dozen spiders roaming my livingroom ceiling. Quite brazenly too, they aren’t waiting till dark to scurry about. They’re strutting around like they own the place.

I’m not Ok with this, but I’m not running around trying to squash them either. For one thing, the ceiling is 9ft high so they’re hard to reach.

I’ve been worried that they’ll move into my bedroom. That’s where I draw the line. I can’t sleep while there’s spiders prancing around on the ceiling above me. I was just thinking this morning, how glad I am that they haven’t come into the bedroom yet.

Then that other part of my mind speaks up. The crazy part.

What if they are already in the bedroom and you just can’t see them yet?
Invisible spiders is a stupid idea.
Not invisible, but like, they don’t show up in normal light. Maybe they’re only noticable under a different kind of light?
You mean like a blacklight? Like how some scorpions are florescent? Spiders are related to scorpions.
Exactly. Get your blacklight and shine it around the bedroom, especialy the ceilings and corners.
Oh gods no, what if the ceiling is covered in invisible florescent spiders?!

And just like that, my normal rational line of thinking has been ursurped by the little crazy, and now I’m paranoid about blacklights in the bedroom incase I suddenly discover it’s full of invisible pseudo-scorpions.

Grasp of Time

Posted 2011.12.14 14.19 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

This week went by particularily fast. Or was it two weeks? It feels like only last night I was tinkering with the Arduino 1.0 library stuff. There were a couple weekends in there too, I think. It’s all just condensed into a blur. Stuff happened. I slept. I worked. That could have been any day. Or every day.

This has led me to think more about time in general, and how I perceive it. I think I have a pretty good grasp of seconds, and minutes. Hours are ok. Days… one or two, aren’t bad. When it starts getting up into the weeks thing though, that’s where it all starts to blur for me.

Thinking about it while coming in to work this morning, I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of time, as far back as the day before yesterday, and as far forward as the day after tomorrow. Beyond that though, it all just compresses together.

Except not these last two particular days, they’re very blurry.

I haven’t been able to sleep. My insomnia went into overdrive, I’ve been up till about 4am two nights in a row, but still waking up at the usual time in the morning to go to work. I don’t even use an alarm clock.. I just get up when I wake up, and that happens fairly consistantly at the same time most days, to get me to work on time. Even when I haven’t had enough sleep, it seems.

Needless to say, there hasn’t been anything to report, other then, “Still alive. Sleepy.”

Suicidal Ideation

Posted 2010.10.09 10.17 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

I don’t know if it’d be a good name for a band or not. Probably too close to Suicidal Tendancies, which is already the name of a band.

Having inadvertantly gone off my meds for 3 or 4 days, I’m suddenly finding myself very familiar with the term “Suicidal Ideation“.

Stupid drugs and their stupid side affects. You get side affects when you take ’em, and then you get side affects (withdrawl affects?) when you don’t take ’em.

Either way it’s sucky.

The REAL Heebie-Jeebies

Posted 2010.09.09 21.03 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

You know how it feels when you start to become convinced that your skin doesn’t fit any more and you look at the backs of your hands and you can tell it’s not your skin and it doesn’t look quite right and everything feels just uncomfortable, and then you can feel your hair and soon your hands are twitching a bit because you just want to start pulling off this fake unreal skin that you’re covered with, until finally all you can think about is clawing and scratching at it to just oh gods get it off, and you want to start at the eyeholes so you don’t have to look at it any more and now your hands are twitching even more and all you can think about is clawing at the skin around your eyes but at the same time you’re desperately trying not to do it because you’re out in public and people will see you do it and they’ll think that you’re crazy because they don’t know it’s not your skin and they can’t feel it and they can’t hear your hair the way you can and you just need to clutch onto something just to keep your hands still and keep them away from your eyes because you just really want to claw and dig and everything just feels wrong and finally the pharmacist gives you your new perscription and you promise that you won’t let yourself run out of brain medicine again, just like you did two weeks ago when you ran out the last time because going cold-turkey for a few days is just absolutely the worst thing you can do with the stuff, so you take some and then finally after a few hours the sensations settle down and you can’t hear your hair and you can’t feel it and you don’t want to claw at your eyesockets any more, but you just can’t shake the feeling that your skin doesn’t fit right and it might not be yours.

I hate when that happens.

2 plus 2 Can equal 5…

Posted 2010.06.06 17.26 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

…for very large values of two.