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So anyways, the world didn’t end on December 21st. Or on the 31st. Or even on the 25th.
The whole apocalypse thing was a complete bust.
Everything just kept on keeping on, same as always.
It’s the one scenario I was completely unprepared for, too.
Now to top it off, I’ve got some kind of coldvirusbugflu thing that’s kicking the crap out of me. I’m feeling dead sick, dead tired, and the world continues to exist with all its demands and responsibilities.
Being sick and still having to face all the pressures that didn’t go away when the world didn’t end, is starting to slide me back into that dark pit of depression again. Not sure I ever got fully out of it, but for a little while there I wasn’t feeling it so heavily.
Hence the lack of updates here. Not counting this one.
I ran another roll of film through my Pentax Auto 110 miniature SLR, and this time I was more careful about not confusing the automatic exposure system. The initial results had not been great. I had been hoping to see some improvement, and there is perhaps a bit, but not much.
Even with several pictures being taken under bright sunny conditions, everything has come out a bit underexposed again. At this point, I don’t know if there is a fault with the camera, or if it is a problem with my film – it is, after all, completely expired and of unknown age.
To be sure, I’ll have to try either another camera, or some different film, and see what sort of results come out. In the meantime, here’s a few more pics.
As you can see, all the images show grain – the first and last show a lot, as they were indoors with insufficient light. Unfortunately even the outdoor / bright sunlight shots were underexposed and I had to push all the images when I was scanning them.
It’s a feeling as much as a time. Perhaps even more.
After too late, but before too early.
When everything is dark and calm, and the air is quiet with a sense of expectation.
Where insomnia and depression intermingle and become indistinct.
Even the rain tapers off, grows hesitant, then stops, as if waiting.
The night feels like it will drag on forever, and the sense of expectation grows stronger.
As if something is about to happen – a decision, a choice, a change.
In the between, the world stands still.
The moment is brief, yet seems endless.
With a sigh, the rain gradually resumes. The night wears on.
No decision, indecision. Deciding not to decide.
Out of the between, into the early morning.
I have no point; only a collection of thoughts that don’t translate well to prose.
Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring – Tinitus!
Ok, it’s not as catchy as the Bananaphone song… but I’ve got a wicked case of the Ringing Dizzies this morning.
Doesn’t make sense though, I’ve been taking my meds like a good girl, I got into a new routine that helps me not forget. Except over the last few days it’s like they’ve just totally stopped working. Or maybe they were secretly replaced with sugar pills or something. It’s like the codeine last week, it was great the first day, then it just stopped having any effect.
Aside from the intense dizziness and ringing in my ears, the depression has come back hard recently. Things I enjoyed doing last week have lost their appeal. Food I liked to eat is now bland and uninspiring. I can’t sleep. My motivation and what little energy I had, has drained away. The only thing that hasn’t faded or dulled is pain.
Pain where my last wisdom tooth was recently removed. Headaches. Back pain. Pain is the only constant. To steal a line from HHGTTG, “I hurt, therefore I am.”
For now I’m still going through the motions. Trying to do things that were fun, desperately hoping to find some of the enjoyment that was there before. Eating because of hunger, but hoping that it will taste good or be enjoyable. It doesn’t work though, whatever I try, food, activities, etc. just leaves me tired and disappointed. I just want to lay down somewhere dark and quiet.. like a wounded animal, let me hide just undisturbed for a while, and I’ll either get better and re-emerge, or I won’t.
Unfocused pretty much describes me right now. Unable to focus. Focus-free. Not blurry, just… unfocused.
I’m supposed to be working. All weekend. Household chores and office work. Like every other weekend, I write up a checklist so I know what I need to do, and check each thing off as I go.
This weekend though… kaput. Nada. Nothing.
Yesterday, instead of accomplishing the eleven tasks I had on my list, I achieved only two. The rest of the day was spent sleeping, or resting, or just staring into space.
Maybe it’s the season? Monday is the winter solstace. Shortest day, longest night, darkest dark. So this weekend we’re pretty close to that. Not much light. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired out and need to catch up on my zzzzzzs.
Or maybe I’m shutting down – when the stress and pressure get to be too much, I sieze up and go off-line. Some stress and pressure is good, up to a point it helps me function, but past that point things begin to fail quickly.
Also, I’ve just got around to increasing the dosage on my meds, that the doctor RXed last month, so that might be contributing.
I don’t know.
Whatever it is, all I do know is that another day goes by, it’s another day closer to the various deadlines, and one less day I have to achieve what needs to be done.
They tell me Friday is a holiday. Long weekends are good – it’s a chance to get more work done, get caught up a bit.