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Ring ring ring

Posted 2010.03.03 7.16 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring – Tinitus!

Ok, it’s not as catchy as the Bananaphone song… but I’ve got a wicked case of the Ringing Dizzies this morning.

Doesn’t make sense though, I’ve been taking my meds like a good girl, I got into a new routine that helps me not forget. Except over the last few days it’s like they’ve just totally stopped working. Or maybe they were secretly replaced with sugar pills or something. It’s like the codeine last week, it was great the first day, then it just stopped having any effect.

Aside from the intense dizziness and ringing in my ears, the depression has come back hard recently. Things I enjoyed doing last week have lost their appeal. Food I liked to eat is now bland and uninspiring. I can’t sleep. My motivation and what little energy I had, has drained away. The only thing that hasn’t faded or dulled is pain.

Pain where my last wisdom tooth was recently removed. Headaches. Back pain. Pain is the only constant. To steal a line from HHGTTG, “I hurt, therefore I am.”

For now I’m still going through the motions. Trying to do things that were fun, desperately hoping to find some of the enjoyment that was there before. Eating because of hunger, but hoping that it will taste good or be enjoyable. It doesn’t work though, whatever I try, food, activities, etc. just leaves me tired and disappointed. I just want to lay down somewhere dark and quiet.. like a wounded animal, let me hide just undisturbed for a while, and I’ll either get better and re-emerge, or I won’t.

Unfocused

Posted 2009.12.20 10.03 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Unfocused pretty much describes me right now. Unable to focus. Focus-free. Not blurry, just… unfocused.

I’m supposed to be working. All weekend. Household chores and office work. Like every other weekend, I write up a checklist so I know what I need to do, and check each thing off as I go.

This weekend though… kaput. Nada. Nothing.

Yesterday, instead of accomplishing the eleven tasks I had on my list, I achieved only two. The rest of the day was spent sleeping, or resting, or just staring into space.

Maybe it’s the season? Monday is the winter solstace. Shortest day, longest night, darkest dark. So this weekend we’re pretty close to that. Not much light. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired out and need to catch up on my zzzzzzs.

Or maybe I’m shutting down – when the stress and pressure get to be too much, I sieze up and go off-line. Some stress and pressure is good, up to a point it helps me function, but past that point things begin to fail quickly.

Also, I’ve just got around to increasing the dosage on my meds, that the doctor RXed last month, so that might be contributing.

I don’t know.

Whatever it is, all I do know is that another day goes by, it’s another day closer to the various deadlines, and one less day I have to achieve what needs to be done.

They tell me Friday is a holiday. Long weekends are good – it’s a chance to get more work done, get caught up a bit.

Meh.

 

Winter, Night, Photography

Posted 2009.12.13 11.22 in Photography by Stephanie

There’s something about night-time and snow. Dark sky, light ground. Quiet, cold. Still. It has a very particular feel to it.

A few nights ago, I took a few photos after everything was dark and quiet. I’m pleased with how they came out.

Looking out the front of the house, at the old church across the street…

Winter Night 1

Then out the back of the house, at my backyard…

Winter Night 2

Technical details: The camera was my 60 year old Zeiss Ikon Nettar, using GP3 Pan film at ISO 100. Processed for 7 minutes in TMax 1:4 developer.

Darkness and Pain

Posted 2009.10.15 9.33 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s not what you think.

First off, I’m still rebelling against autumn. Well not rebelling, I guess you can’t really stop the seasons. Maybe moving to the opposite hemisphere would be a way to rebel. I’m just upset about it. This morning, I stayed in bed an extra half hour after the alarm went off and it was still dark when I got up. It feels like getting up at midnight. I can’t get up in the dark. Sure I wake up all the time, but getting up… that’s another matter entirely.

Then there’s the pain. I think that when you’re in pain, it tires you out. Like you have a certain amount of energy for the day, and if you’re in pain then some of that energy is going to into dealing with the pain. And I’m running on diminished capacity anyways, so having something else nibbling away at my reserves is just unfair.

The thing is, I have a toothache. It’s kind of a dull constant throbbing thing. I know any normal person would go and see a dentist, but… I learned at a very early age that dentists are Evil. You think I’m just kidding around. The dentist I saw as a child, was so nasty that his own family saw other dentists. This man scarred me for life, seriously.

My earliest dental memories involve him striking me across the face because I was frightened and wouldn’t open my mouth, then when he did get it open he wedged some kind of stainless steel device in there that had a little crank and it expanded to force my mouth open and keep it that way. I saw a similar device on the Discovery Channel recently, on their Machines of Malice series.

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It’s where I keep the Dank.

Posted 2006.07.23 0.00 in Photography by Stephanie

The basement, that is. It’s where the Dank lives.

I’ve been scanning all my old photographs into my computer, since a) I never look at them at the moment, and b) iPhoto makes it very easy to look at them any time. Many, many years of blurry photos, and blurry memories.

But I have a bunch of negatives somewhere, I have a binder with all my really good negs and I can’t find it. My scanner can scan negatives and, although slow, it does a very good job. So I wanted my negatives binder. Well, I haven’t seen it in about 4 years, which means…yeah it’s probably in the basement.

Last time I was down in the basement was almost exactly 2 months ago. About the 22nd or 21st of May. There were unexplained door closings and shoulder tappings and temperature dropping and stuff back then, giving me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Well no matter, I want my negatives! I turn on the light, grab a flashlight, open the cellar door and down I go. Exactly 1 step.

Rip, tear, tangle, I am covered in spiderweb. So I get a stick and try again, waving the stick around infront of me. It doesn’t do a damn thing. Every step I’m tearing through more spiderwebs, down the stairs and into the first part of the cellar, like a damn Indiana Jones adventure. Then I notice, of course, last time doors were closing when I didn’t want them too, this time, doors were open when they weren’t supposed to. The door to the old cellar and the door to the wine cellar were both wide open but I distinctly remember last time, after I got the last load of wine and was too creeped out, I closed everything and turned off all the lights then beat a hasty retreat from the basement.

Strangely enough, there were no spiderwebs in the older (1860’s era) part of the cellar. Well, what I mean is, they were not big floor-to-ceiling room-crossing room-filling doorway-blocking spiderwebs. The ones in the old cellar were the normal ones that stick to the corners and rafters and stuff. It’s just the new (1940’s era) cellar where the spiders made a complete floor-to-ceiling room-filling maze of icky creepy stupid spiderwebs. Blah! I can still feel them all over me.

Oh, and my binder full of negatives? Never saw it. Don’t know where it is. I did find a box with a bunch more pictures in it, among other things. I blindly groped around the box shoving handfulls of photo envelopes into a plastic bag, so will have to find out later what I managed to find. Aside from all the spiders.

I just know tomorrow I’ll find a bunch of new spiders all over the house. I hate that because you know there’s only one way for them to all get there at once. Shudder.

Algonquin, Algonquin, Algonquin, Rainbow
Algonquin in Winter, Algonquin in Rain, Tim Lake, double Rainbow