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A Brief Intermission

Posted 2016.02.16 9.53 in Pointless Blather

Taking a little break from this year’s house plants & synth pics show to lower the mood and rant / whinge for a moment.

You know the expression Death By A Thousand Papercuts? Sometimes I feel like that.

Sometimes it seems like I have a thousand relatively minor health problems and individually they’re all quite common or insignificant, the sorts of thing everyone deals with one way or another.

But when there’s so many of them, there’s always at least 2 or 3 that are going at once, and by the time they’re dealt with, 2 or 3 more have already flared up to take their places.

So it’s constant. It’s not always the same thing, but it’s a constant struggle, a constant drain.

And I think sometimes it’d be easier just dealing with one biggie, like cancer or something. Because when you’re having a shit day and tell people that your cancer is flaring up, they understand that and cut you some slack. (*)

But when you’re having a shit day and it’s because [really minor medical inconvenience # 612] is flaring up, people think you’re a lazy-ass crybaby wimp who whines too much. Because they don’t get that it’s just one of a thousand other minor problems and they all add up, or that the last time you felt truly good and healthy was some time before the turn of the century.

Anyhow, I’m not saying I’d rather have cancer or something like that. Just that every little damn thing adds up and really sucks the life out of you, but those little things are all individually no big deal.

Like Spoon Theory – if you don’t know it, look into it. I first read about it in The Bloggess’ book Furiously Happy.

I sort of see it as it’s easy to explain why your cup is almost empty when there’s a huge gaping hole in it (eg. cancer) but when it’s constantly empty because of a thousand microscopic cracks, it’s harder to understand or explain.

Anyways, I just wanted to get this out. I’m in pain for what feels like the 7524th day in a row, and it’s not huge pain, but it’s enough to remind me that I don’t really want to endure another few thousand more days like this.

* Note: I’m not sure chronicly healthy people even really grasp it in those ‘big’ situations.

My dad was very healthy right up untill he died of cancer, and even then the only part of him that was sick was his lungs, where the cancer was. A couple days before he died, he told me he remembered one time years ago when I couldn’t keep up with him walking, because my asthma was acting up.

He admitted, at the time, he thought I was just lazy and out of shape. It wasn’t till he was laying there dying of lung cancer that he actually understood how debilitating it was, to have trouble breathing.

I’m not saying every healthy person is as oblivious as he was, just suggesting that unless you’ve actually experienced poor health yourself, you maybe don’t fully get how utterly taxing it can be.

Deep in the Ds

Posted 2013.03.18 10.49 in Pointless Blather

So it’s been like a month and a half since I had anything to say.

No, I didn’t die of pneumonia — although it was an appealing option.

I’ve been in the long tail of recovery, where I’m not really feeling “100%” but I’m not sick enough to say I’m feeling sick. Still coughing, but with less force and less frequency.

In the meantime though the three Ds have got me: Depression, Despair, Darkness. The darkness and depression are like old friends, but the despair is new.

It’s a kind of hopelessness, sort of a conviction that this is it, there’s no light in this tunnel, no improvement or salvation around the corner. Every day is just another step closer towards an inevitable finale.

There’s still some enjoyment along the way, it’s not non-stop pain. My kitties and my friends help, and I’m grateful for that.

Anyhow, that’s why there’s not been any activity here – nothing fun to post about.

Still Here

Posted 2010.07.05 9.16 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Well Canada Day came and went, as did the I’m-not-working-today-Friday, and then the weekend. Four-day weekends are nice. Very nice. Too nice. I could get used to that. No, I am used to that.

A huge thank-you to my friends and family who came to visit on Canada Day, and who helped out with so much stuff and in so many ways. I get to feeling like everyone else does all the work, all I do is provide a venue and a few snacks and things while everyone else makes it happen. Makes me feel guilty. Next year, either I wanna be healthy and energetic enough to actually throw the party, or I don’t want to do it at all.

Speaking of health… I ran out of cryptospam on Canada Day and took till yesterday to get my new perscription filled. I still haven’t taken it though, so going on four days since suddenly not having the anti-depressants in me.

At first it felt ok, there was a little boost of energy and my mood wasn’t too bad. Then the dizziness started, and the mood-swings, and now I’m just feeling listless and cruddy. Though I’m also at work, which may play a small part in that.

Sigh. I guess I’d better start taking it again, just in case.

Still no progress on the ‘Darkest Post’ stuff, just procrastination and denial.

Darkest Post

Posted 2010.06.30 9.00 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Over the past year or two, I’ve made comments, jokes, and entire posts about dealing with depression. Sometimes I deliberately try and make light of it, or look for a way to ‘find the funny’. Sometimes I make posts about it more for my own benefit, sort of theraputic writing, when I can’t keep stuff bottled up anymore. Mostly, my natural reaction is to keep my feelings hidden, not let anyone around me know just how desperate or lost I’m feeling. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems, and I don’t like attention.

As to which category this post will fall into… we’ll see how it develops. I might end up not even publishing it.

So… depression. I wonder sometimes if I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. I know I’ve been tired most of my life, and sometimes being really tired all the time seems like depression. Or, sometimes being depressed seems like being really tired all the time. At least, to me it does.

Then again, sometimes I can’t tell the difference between hunger and fear, so I may not be the best at discerning feelings.

I know my current ‘depressive episode’ started in 2007, and was going pretty strong in 2008. By the end of ’08 I was on anti-depressants, and am still on them now. Though for the past several months I’ve been suspicious that they aren’t quite working any more.

I remember being on drugs in the mid 90’s too, for a year or two. They never seemed to really do the trick then either, it felt more like an elaborate plan to get me to pay for the pharmacist to put his kids through college or something. Actually it sorta feels like that again now… Hmm.

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Ring ring ring

Posted 2010.03.03 7.16 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring – Tinitus!

Ok, it’s not as catchy as the Bananaphone song… but I’ve got a wicked case of the Ringing Dizzies this morning.

Doesn’t make sense though, I’ve been taking my meds like a good girl, I got into a new routine that helps me not forget. Except over the last few days it’s like they’ve just totally stopped working. Or maybe they were secretly replaced with sugar pills or something. It’s like the codeine last week, it was great the first day, then it just stopped having any effect.

Aside from the intense dizziness and ringing in my ears, the depression has come back hard recently. Things I enjoyed doing last week have lost their appeal. Food I liked to eat is now bland and uninspiring. I can’t sleep. My motivation and what little energy I had, has drained away. The only thing that hasn’t faded or dulled is pain.

Pain where my last wisdom tooth was recently removed. Headaches. Back pain. Pain is the only constant. To steal a line from HHGTTG, “I hurt, therefore I am.”

For now I’m still going through the motions. Trying to do things that were fun, desperately hoping to find some of the enjoyment that was there before. Eating because of hunger, but hoping that it will taste good or be enjoyable. It doesn’t work though, whatever I try, food, activities, etc. just leaves me tired and disappointed. I just want to lay down somewhere dark and quiet.. like a wounded animal, let me hide just undisturbed for a while, and I’ll either get better and re-emerge, or I won’t.

Embrace the Darkness

Posted 2009.11.26 8.52 in Life On Drugs

I’m not much of a fighter. I believe in what I think is right, but I detest conflict of any kind. Often, I find it easier to just go along with things rather than put up a show of resistance.

The cryptospam has been fighting the darkness for me, but lately its been losing the battles, like its getting tired, or the darkness is getting stronger.

I try and distract myself quite a bit, with snails, cameras, pointless blather. It works more or less, but is definately just a temporary measure. No matter what, at the end of the day, night always falls. And then all that’s left is to wait and hope that dawn will come again.

Sometimes though, I wonder if fighting is the answer. If it might not be better to just embrace the darkness and despair, take it, hold it, own it, make it mine. Then maybe I’d be in control of it, rather than running from it or hiding from it. Though that sounds like a scary journey, and I don’t know if I’m up for it.

Still, doing nothing doesn’t seem like a good choice either. Things are feeling less real, different. My skin doesn’t feel like my skin any more. My hair feels fake. My eyes look different.

Logically I ‘know’ that the more-likely explanation is the only thing that is changing is my perception, but perception guides experience and vice versa. Right or wrong, if you can’t trust your senses, then you no longer know what’s real.

I don’t know what to do about it all.

Cryptospam Fail

Posted 2009.09.26 17.42 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

So, Saturday evening. Rainy out. Quiet, other than the hum and trickle of the aquarium filters. No more dizzy spells or heebie-jeebies which is ok.

On the other hand, the cryptospam doesn’t seem to be working at all. It’s like it switched off, and now everything starts with D.  Darkness; Depression; Despair.

Dark

Maybe some wine will help. Nothing like a depressant to chase away the blues, right?