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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Posted 2014.01.06 14.21 in Pointless Blather

I’m still digging out of the damage and set-backs caused by the ice storm a fortnight ago. It’s slow going and stressful, and some of it is depressing.

Still, I’ve been trying to work through it, trying to keep a stiff upper lip as they say. Keep calm and carry on, and all that.

More frustrations and setbacks keep piling up though. Like the universe can’t resist kicking me while I’m down.

And I think, it seems like when my stress level reaches a certain point, it overflows and gets converted into depression.

You try and roll with the punches, try and perservere, but finally it’s too much and you realize there’s no point, whatever you accomplish will just get knocked down, so you just collapse inwards.

I was hoping 2014 would be a good year, but it’s already shaping up to be just like the rest of them.

What a let-down.

Six Months

Posted 2013.05.02 9.55 in Pointless Blather

Looks like its been six months since I posted anything that wasn’t overtly depressing, or depressing-but-slightly-hidden-in-something-trying-to-be-amusing.

No electronics, no photography, lasers, wine, swords… generally nothing relating to hobbies, interests, or fun.

It does not feel like it’s going to get any better in the near future either, so if anyone’s hanging around waiting… well don’t hold your breath.

Sorry.

This was supposed to be fun and eclectic and some depression is ok among the silliness, bad photography, and electronics pr0n, but now it just feels like the all-depressing all-the-time channel.

Thank you to everyone who’s come and read things here over the years, commented or not. I appreciate it.

I’ll either be back, or I won’t. There might more posts, or maybe not. Maybe just time for a prolonged break.

No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.

Yeah, That.

Posted 2013.04.08 8.45 in Pointless Blather

Kill Yourself

Ok I know it’s not entirely true. A few people care. A couple things matter.

Nonetheless, Foamy does make a compelling argument.

An Alternate Theory

Posted 2013.04.02 21.10 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Yesterday evening a very good friend brought it to my attention that my recently abnormal audio-visual experiences might in fact not be the result of demonic posession or evil sorcery, or even mundane craziness.

Apparently, according to her, all that and more can be attributed to lack of sleep.

Lack of sleep, or poor sleep, are of course ongoing themes in my existance. I take hours to fall asleep, wake up frequently, and I’ve got sleep apnea so even when I think I’m sleeping, I’m probably not.

She suggested that some supplements might help me get some decent sleep, and that in turn could help me with the depression, stress, et cetera.

So I took the suggestion and ran with it!

All The Pills

Pilz-E said he’d guard the pills for me. He’s good that way.

I got Melatonin to help with the sleeping because my sleeping seriously needs help and the bottle said it would help with that and I got 5-HTP because it’ll “Promote Healthy Mood Balance” and I don’t wanna have my mood balance be all unhealthy which I bet it is right now because I haven’t been taking 5-HTP before and then there’s a great big economy-size bottle of back-pain pills because my back hurts a lot because when I was eighteen I broke it skydiving but I got better but now it hurts and who’d have ever thought that breaking your back would have any kind of long term effects that’d haunt me 20 years later.

So hopefully in a week or so, I’ll be sleeping quietly, mentally stable, free of backpain, and will no longer have the insides of my eyeballs spelling out messages in Elder Futhark while I’m trying to drive.

Imperceptions

Posted 2013.04.01 10.33 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.

That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.

I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.

And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.

Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite ¬†wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.

At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.

So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.

Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?

Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.

Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.

The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.

All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?

Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?

All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?

Then who’s sending them?

So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.

In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.

But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.

Deep in the Ds

Posted 2013.03.18 10.49 in Pointless Blather

So it’s been like a month and a half since I had anything to say.

No, I didn’t die of pneumonia — although it was an appealing option.

I’ve been in the long tail of recovery, where I’m not really feeling “100%” but I’m not sick enough to say I’m feeling sick. Still coughing, but with less force and less frequency.

In the meantime though the three Ds have got me: Depression, Despair, Darkness. The darkness and depression are like old friends, but the despair is new.

It’s a kind of hopelessness, sort of a conviction that this is it, there’s no light in this tunnel, no improvement or salvation around the corner.¬†Every day is just another step closer towards an inevitable finale.

There’s still some enjoyment along the way, it’s not non-stop pain. My kitties and my friends help, and I’m grateful for that.

Anyhow, that’s why there’s not been any activity here – nothing fun to post about.