Yesterday afternoon, I was driving up to my folks’ house for easter dinner. It was early afternoon, overcast, and started to rain. I was dead tired and had a headache which, combined with the dullness of the day, made it ever so slightly hard to focus.
That’s when I noticed all my eye-floaters had congregated into the middle of my vision. They had taken on a bunch of sort-of sharp, angular forms. In fact they looked a lot like runic symbols. And they were all lined up like they were forming words. A sentence.
I’ve had eye-floaters for as long as I can remember. And I’ve known what they are for so long, I don’t remember learning it. They’ve never come as a surprise to me, although at times they are a bit of an aggravation.
And I seem to have a heck of a lot of them. A few dozen? Now and then I’ve tried figuring out if they’re in one eye or the other, but I’ve never been able to isolate them, so I suspect they’re in both.
Anyhow, so I’m driving, it’s already grey and dreary out, light rain is starting to blur up the windscreen (where it’s not quite wet enough to make the wipers effective, but not dry enough to ignore), and now my eye-floaters seem to be trying to spell out acrane messages to me.
At the same time I notice my tinnitus is going. When it acts up, and there’s background ‘white noise’, my brain often seems to try and sort the random stimulus into something intelligible, so wind can start to sound like there’s music or voices in it.
So now not only am I seeing messages inside my eyeballs but between the tinnitus and the sounds of wind and rain against the car, I’m hearing whispers inside my ears. To be honest, it made me laugh a little at first.
Then I got thinking – most of the time, the floaters are barely there. Always just noticable but equally ignorable. What if they’re always spelling out words and messages, but this was just the first time I’ve noticed it?
Wouldn’t that be a great way to send subliminal messages? Right inside the eyeballs? So everywhere you look, whatever you’re doing, even if you blink, there’s always those subliminal messages happening.
Same thing for the tinnitus. Turn up the high pitched whistle inside my ear, and now indistinct background noise suddenly starts resolving into half-heard music or whispers, to be dismissed or tuned out, but unable to be turned off. Another ideal portal for subliminal messaging.
The tinnitus has only been around for 20-years or so, while the eye-floaters have been with me more or less ‘forever’.
All this flashed through my head in a matter of seconds. Still driving along, now I’m thinking – if we are the sum of our experiences, and our experiences are a result of our perceptions filtered through previous experiences… and all this has been going on for ever… then what?
Could my ongoing depression and inability to do anything to fix it just a side-affect of some negative or destructive messages, subliminally delivered through my eyeballs and eardrums?
All those little self-destructive impulses, the dissenting inner-voices / internal dialog, the ones I call my little sabateurs, what if they’re being controled and manipulated through subliminal messages in my eye-floaters and tinnitus? What if they aren’t mine at all, what if my little sabateurs are the subliminal messages themselves?
Then who’s sending them?
So then that makes me think about demons and posession, and that in turn makes me think that maybe I’m really just crazy, because really that’s just the simplest answer.
In the end, I don’t know. I had a huge sense of dread about the whole excursion. It was hard leaving the house, I spent too long saying bye to the kitties as if I was worried about not making it back home.
But I did – there weren’t even any close calls, unless you count the whole tired / headache / vision-obscured-by-runic-messages-while-driving thing.