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20 Days and Counting

Posted 2010.11.04 13.12 in DID, Life On Drugs by Stephanie

By my estimation, it’s now been 20 days since I last had my meds. The abrupt drop-off from almost 2 years on significant dosages of mind-altering chemicals down to zero, continues to have side-affects. Though fortunately I think the affects might be starting to wane. Maybe.

It’s hard to say, actually. Maybe the effects are diminishing, or maybe I’m getting used to them. I’m hoping that my brain isn’t permanently broken, from suddenly going off the pillz.

I still get the dizziness and the ringing in my ears, though the ringing is not as loud I think. Instead I get a rushing in my ears, like I can hear blood flowing through my head. The rushing sound does correspond with increased dizziness, like I’ll get a Woosh! Woosh! Woosh! sensation in my ears at the same time as the world does a sommersault around me.

I’ve also found that sometimes I lose track of the here-and-now. It’s hard to describe. Like the other day I was driving along a road I am very familiar with, heading back to the office after visiting a supplier. There’s the WooshWooshWoosh in my ears accompanied by the moment of dizziness, and suddenly I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I don’t recognize the road, nor do I remember why I’m there. So I just keep driving and after 30 to 60 seconds the details come back. I figure out where I am and then figure out where I’m headed.

There’s also frequent headaches and constant aches and pains, fevers, and what feels like swolen lymph nodes in my neck, but I can’t be sure now if that’s all part of the withdrawals, or if maybe these are symptoms of some other new and exciting condition that’s just coming up.

In any event, I’m glad to be off the meds. Hopefully it hasn’t broken my brain or caused permanent damage, what with running out and then the doc and his staff being unresponsive in producing more.

Flu Sucks

Posted 2010.01.24 16.37 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

So my anti-flu-shot plan seems to have backfired on me. Being the only one in the world to not get a flu shot, and therefore being protected by having everyone else around me protected… it seems that some crafty individual(s) have thwarted my plans, either by avoiding the flu-shots themselves or finding a way to introduce the virus without themselves being affected.

However it happened, I’ve spent the weekend in agony, from about midnight Friday when it struck very suddenly, through to now when I’m just able to stay sitting up for any length of time before being overcome with dizziness. Literally every inch of my body has been in terrible pain, from the top of my head down to my toes, with the one ironic exception of my throat – no sore throat. Well except for when I was busy doubled-over ‘blowing chunks’, which I did a great deal in the first 24 hours. I couldn’t even keep juice or ginger-ale down, couldn’t even take pills. So far the only thing that has gone in without coming back out is water.

So..will I have a flu shot next year? Meh, probably not. I still don’t like needles, and I still don’t trust flu shots. And hopefully, I’ll be feeling better by then and will have forgotten just how intensely awful I’m feeling right now.

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The Ringing Dizzies

Posted 2009.12.03 9.05 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

You know that high-pitched ringing/whistling sound that’s on all the time everywhere?

Now and then, it starts sort of pulsating for me – loud and quiet, loud and quiet. And when it gets loud, I get a wave of dizziness. It’s really annoying and distracting. And kind of nauseating.

I call it the ringing dizzies. It seems to kick in when I’ve forgot my meds.

That’s probably not a coincidence.

No Fair!

Posted 2009.09.24 15.22 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s not fair! I took my cryptospam. I had a rest yesterday. I haven’t had nearly as much extra large extra strong coffees. Why am I still dizzy and befuddled?!

About the only improvement from yesterday is that my eyemuscles have stopped convulsing. But I’m still feeling twitchy and my eyeballs are still itchy. Gawd I hate that!

And another thing – how is it that minutes and hours take forever, but actual weeks and months go by quickly? Something is really messed up with the way time works. Somebody should look into that, do a study.

Twitching Heebie Jeebies

Posted 2009.09.23 12.38 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Take one part forgot-to-take-my-cryptospam and mix with three parts very-large-very-strong-coffee and you get twitching skin crawling hot-and-cold-sweats heebie jeebies.

Also, dizzy spells and a nonstop musclespasm in the tiny muscles around the right eye.

I don’t know if I look it, but it makes me feel completely batshit crazy.

And my eyeballs are itchy. I hate itchy eyeballs.  Hate them!


Crazy Silly Mind Games

Posted 2009.08.23 9.49 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

So one of those things about drugs like cryptospam, is that it’s vitally important not to go around missing doses all willy-nilly. Not only does it mess you up in the short term, but in the long term it can reduce the overall effectiveness of the drug. So of course, lately I’ve been going around missing doses, all willy-nilly. The problem is, cryptospam is supposed to be taken with food. So my routine for some time, has been to take it with lunch. However, the past few weeks or so, my routine has been all disrupted and I’ve been missing lunch quite a bit, or having it very late in the day, like after work.

Actual warning label from pill bottle.

Actual warning label from cryptospam bottle.

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Head vs. Mind vs. Brain

Posted 2009.07.10 10.43 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

I get this thing. I call it “micro-dizzies”. It’s like flashes of dizziness, but they’re very short, like little staccato bursts of dizziness. Each one is too short to actually be a problem, but they come all in a row and cumulatively leave me feeling kind of wierded out.

After much reflection and observation, the best way I can describe it is that it feels as if my mind is not firmly attached to my brain. That is to say, the physical meatstuff inside my noggin and the etherical “me” are not in proper sync. My mind seems to have a very slight lag to it – like a tenth of a second, or less. So that as my head moves around, causing my brain to move around within it, my mind is not moving at quite the same time. Like when you see trails, only it’s happening to all my senses.

Needless to say, I am still taking the cryptospam and I choose to blame the drug for this.

I should add, this effect is not on all the time – it comes and goes. It isn’t exactly debilitating or anything, just wierd. Heebie-jeebie wierd. It isn’t severe enough to be really annoying, but it isn’t fun enough to be trippy. However, it does remind me of a short story I read back in grade school about a guy who figured out how to astral project, while walking along and turning left while his mind/attention got distracted and went right. His body wandered along till it tripped over something, while his mind wandered around having a good day.

They gave us some freaky shit to read back when I was in grade school. (Thanks Mr. MacArthur! You ruled grades 5 & 6! Big Mac Attack shoutout!)