You are currently browsing the hair tag archives.

The REAL Heebie-Jeebies

Posted 2010.09.09 21.03 in Life On Drugs by Stephanie

You know how it feels when you start to become convinced that your skin doesn’t fit any more and you look at the backs of your hands and you can tell it’s not your skin and it doesn’t look quite right and everything feels just uncomfortable, and then you can feel your hair and soon your hands are twitching a bit because you just want to start pulling off this fake unreal skin that you’re covered with, until finally all you can think about is clawing and scratching at it to just oh gods get it off, and you want to start at the eyeholes so you don’t have to look at it any more and now your hands are twitching even more and all you can think about is clawing at the skin around your eyes but at the same time you’re desperately trying not to do it because you’re out in public and people will see you do it and they’ll think that you’re crazy because they don’t know it’s not your skin and they can’t feel it and they can’t hear your hair the way you can and you just need to clutch onto something just to keep your hands still and keep them away from your eyes because you just really want to claw and dig and everything just feels wrong and finally the pharmacist gives you your new perscription and you promise that you won’t let yourself run out of brain medicine again, just like you did two weeks ago when you ran out the last time because going cold-turkey for a few days is just absolutely the worst thing you can do with the stuff, so you take some and then finally after a few hours the sensations settle down and you can’t hear your hair and you can’t feel it and you don’t want to claw at your eyesockets any more, but you just can’t shake the feeling that your skin doesn’t fit right and it might not be yours.

I hate when that happens.

Mad Hair Day

Posted 2009.12.01 9.40 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Other people have bad hair days. I do too, frequently. Sometimes though, it’s worse than that. Some days, my hair is just completely mad.

I mean insane – when it’s really troubled, my hair will shout obscenities at strangers. It mumbles to itself on busy street corners.

Some people stare, others just furtively glance then look away, not wanting to participate in the unruly embarassment. Parents whisper to their children, “Look away. It’s unwell. Don’t stare.”

I attribute all this to a handful of separate issues – each one, on its own, wouldn’t be too bad. But together, they are greater than the sum of their parts, and my hair really has the deck stacked against it.

Read more »

It Doesn’t Have To Be Tinfoil

Posted 2009.11.29 13.56 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

The hat, that is.

You see, any kind of hat will help prevent them from seeing your thoughts. I have figured it out.

When you think, it tickles the hair follicles that are rooted in the outer layer of the brain. This causes the hair to vibrate imperceptibly at a very high frequency. The frequency is phase modulated as your thought patterns change.

They can read this from space, with their high-power sattelite cameras and a computer algorythm that converts the phase modulated hair frequency back into patterns that they use to know what you are thinking about.

So the hat – doesn’t have to be tinfoil. Just any old hat will do. You see, the hat dampens the follicular frequency vibrations, preventing your hair from telegraphing your thoughts to anyone watching.

Being indoors won’t help, their technology can see through windows. Only a hat, or really anything that you wear directly on the head, that is in contact with the hair, will save you.

I’m not saying tinfoil doesn’t help, just that it’s not strictly speaking necessary, if you just want to prevent them from reading your thoughts. There are other things tinfoil is good for.

So play safe, wear a hat.