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No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.