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Worst. Words. Ever.

Posted 2012.01.13 19.26 in Family/Friends

I’ve been trying to write this post for a couple days now. Every time I try, I end up putting a few words down, then my mind fills with dark clouds and nothing else comes out. Then I get a lump in my throat and something in my eyes and just give up. So to heck with it, this time I’ll just bash out what comes and let it go at that.

These are the worst words ever. Words you never want to hear from anyone you care about. Words that cut deep and go on hurting when you think about them. I’m talking about works like:

  • Recurred.
  • Metastisized.
  • Inoperable.
  • Terminal.

They hurt, they suck, and I keep thinking that there must have been an error somewhere. Somebody forgot to carry the four or something, because this just isn’t possible.

Except of course it’s possible. These things happen all the time, they can happen to anyone… it’s just never been someone so close before.

Try and be optomistic and sure, there’s still hope, still a possibility. Sort of. Maybe some new drug will come along, some new discovery might be made. Maybe. And hey, what if the doctor’s wrong?

Like they said at xkcd, fuck cancer. But whatever, I have to go: there’s something in my eyes.

Ring ring ring

Posted 2010.03.03 7.16 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring – Tinitus!

Ok, it’s not as catchy as the Bananaphone song… but I’ve got a wicked case of the Ringing Dizzies this morning.

Doesn’t make sense though, I’ve been taking my meds like a good girl, I got into a new routine that helps me not forget. Except over the last few days it’s like they’ve just totally stopped working. Or maybe they were secretly replaced with sugar pills or something. It’s like the codeine last week, it was great the first day, then it just stopped having any effect.

Aside from the intense dizziness and ringing in my ears, the depression has come back hard recently. Things I enjoyed doing last week have lost their appeal. Food I liked to eat is now bland and uninspiring. I can’t sleep. My motivation and what little energy I had, has drained away. The only thing that hasn’t faded or dulled is pain.

Pain where my last wisdom tooth was recently removed. Headaches. Back pain. Pain is the only constant. To steal a line from HHGTTG, “I hurt, therefore I am.”

For now I’m still going through the motions. Trying to do things that were fun, desperately hoping to find some of the enjoyment that was there before. Eating because of hunger, but hoping that it will taste good or be enjoyable. It doesn’t work though, whatever I try, food, activities, etc. just leaves me tired and disappointed. I just want to lay down somewhere dark and quiet.. like a wounded animal, let me hide just undisturbed for a while, and I’ll either get better and re-emerge, or I won’t.

Darn Those Meddling Kids!

Posted 2010.01.17 9.41 in Pointless Blather

So I got a new water cooler recently. Excuse me, a new Water Dispenser. Nowadays they do hot, cold, and room temperature, so you can’t call them a water cooler any more. You know the things – metal and plastic, big water jug goes on top, place for a cup or glass, water comes out when you work the buttons or nozzles.

Anyhow, I do like the hot/cold/room temperature options. Hot is fantastic for making coffee, it’s very hot, like just a shade lower than boiling. I prefer to drink room temperature water, and the cold is available for guests. So far, so good.

Except every year they make the child safe protection stuff more insidious, more annoying.

I’m sorry but if parents are going to let little Johnny Dumbass play with the water dispenser, then little Johnny deserves the life lesson about hot water that he’s going to get. And for that matter, it’s also an excellent opportunity to learn about respecting the parents’ authority, assuming they at least told him not to screw with the water cooler.

But no – instead it seems society is bent on raising stupid children who will eventually grow up to become stupid (and litigious) adults. Nobody wants to take responsibility for raising their children, and so every damn thing has to become child-proofed and child-protected.

It just really agravates me that every morning I have to be inconvenienced trying to get my coffee, so that someone else’s dumbass kid doesn’t have to learn that hot water is hot (until they figure out how to defeat the safety thing.) Oh – and it’s not just for hot water – to save money, they made the hot valve also the room-temperature valve so I have to screw around with the safety device just to get a glass of water?

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