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No Progress

Posted 2013.04.15 10.20 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

It’s two weeks now since I started the 5-HTP and Melatonin. It doesn’t feel like they’re helping.

I mean, the Melatonin does help me fall asleep quicker, I’m pretty sure of that, but it doesn’t keep me asleep. I still wake up several times in the night, and depending on the night, sometimes I can’t relax enough to get back to sleep again.

Like last night / this morning, woke up around 4am with a mild panic attack, so I had to read for an hour to get my mind off it.

Now I’m just feeling empty.

Work is going downhill fast, I know I have to do something else, find something else, but I don’t know what and don’t know how. I’ve been lucky up till now – stuff has just happened, opportunities have just turned up when I needed them.

When I do get an idea, it is quickly shot down by all the doubts, uncertainties, and dissenting inner dialog.

Logically, intellectually, I know what I should do, know what I should try, but my heart’s not there. I feel hollow. My inner demons, my little sabateurs, are winning, or have won. I just want it all to go away, to end.

So I remain stuck, motionless, paralyzed with fear and self-doubt, then whine about it on my little blog here, and complain to my friends about how much I suck at life.

And another day slips by, it’s now the middle of April and not a single step forward has been made. It’s part of the cycle, the lack of progress feels like failure, which reinforces the sense of worthlessness and self-doubt. Today will be another day of fail, because yesterday was fail, and all the yesterdays before that were fail.

An Alternate Theory

Posted 2013.04.02 21.10 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Yesterday evening a very good friend brought it to my attention that my recently abnormal audio-visual experiences might in fact not be the result of demonic posession or evil sorcery, or even mundane craziness.

Apparently, according to her, all that and more can be attributed to lack of sleep.

Lack of sleep, or poor sleep, are of course ongoing themes in my existance. I take hours to fall asleep, wake up frequently, and I’ve got sleep apnea so even when I think I’m sleeping, I’m probably not.

She suggested that some supplements might help me get some decent sleep, and that in turn could help me with the depression, stress, et cetera.

So I took the suggestion and ran with it!

All The Pills

Pilz-E said he’d guard the pills for me. He’s good that way.

I got Melatonin to help with the sleeping because my sleeping seriously needs help and the bottle said it would help with that and I got 5-HTP because it’ll “Promote Healthy Mood Balance” and I don’t wanna have my mood balance be all unhealthy which I bet it is right now because I haven’t been taking 5-HTP before and then there’s a great big economy-size bottle of back-pain pills because my back hurts a lot because when I was eighteen I broke it skydiving but I got better but now it hurts and who’d have ever thought that breaking your back would have any kind of long term effects that’d haunt me 20 years later.

So hopefully in a week or so, I’ll be sleeping quietly, mentally stable, free of backpain, and will no longer have the insides of my eyeballs spelling out messages in Elder Futhark while I’m trying to drive.

Grasp of Time

Posted 2011.12.14 14.19 in Pointless Blather

This week went by particularily fast. Or was it two weeks? It feels like only last night I was tinkering with the Arduino 1.0 library stuff. There were a couple weekends in there too, I think. It’s all just condensed into a blur. Stuff happened. I slept. I worked. That could have been any day. Or every day.

This has led me to think more about time in general, and how I perceive it. I think I have a pretty good grasp of seconds, and minutes. Hours are ok. Days… one or two, aren’t bad. When it starts getting up into the weeks thing though, that’s where it all starts to blur for me.

Thinking about it while coming in to work this morning, I feel like I have a fairly good grasp of time, as far back as the day before yesterday, and as far forward as the day after tomorrow. Beyond that though, it all just compresses together.

Except not these last two particular days, they’re very blurry.

I haven’t been able to sleep. My insomnia went into overdrive, I’ve been up till about 4am two nights in a row, but still waking up at the usual time in the morning to go to work. I don’t even use an alarm clock.. I just get up when I wake up, and that happens fairly consistantly at the same time most days, to get me to work on time. Even when I haven’t had enough sleep, it seems.

Needless to say, there hasn’t been anything to report, other then, “Still alive. Sleepy.”

So… F-ing… Tired…

Posted 2009.12.14 9.03 in Pointless Blather

The mania has collapsed I think. ¬†Two insomniated nights in a row. So very, very tired…

Can’t get going. Just feel exhausted.

Blahhhh.

Four for Four

Posted 2009.10.22 9.14 in Pointless Blather, Work

I slept in again this morning. This time though, I managed to get to work right at 9:00, so I guess I’m not technically ‘late’. Actually we covered that whole ‘technically late’ thing already, didn’t we?

Anyhow, this time I have an excuse – I couldn’t sleep last night. And I wasn’t up all night worrying about the government’s machine that can detect sounds via their tax forms.

Around midnight, as I was laying in bed all cosy warm, instead of my brain going into offline mode, it switched to work mode and I had a bunch of good ideas for my Project. I was afraid that I’d forget them if I went to sleep, so I got up and started working on it.

I was really productive and worked till about 04.30 before I finally decided to go back to bed. So I think today’s sleeping-in is acceptable – the difference between 2 hours’ sleep or 3.

Now I’m at work, alert, and ready to meet whatever challenges the day bringzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Insomnia Still Sucks

Posted 2009.07.25 0.36 in Pointless Blather

Half past midnight. Tossing and turning for an hour, trying to sleep. Not even a little bit tired.

What to do in situations like these?

Get up, do chores.

Insomnia sucks.

Sleeping In

Posted 2009.07.21 8.25 in Pointless Blather

Sometimes, it’s all right to be late.

Sometimes, you just have to sleep in.

And that’s ok.