The mania has collapsed I think.  Two insomniated nights in a row. So very, very tired…

Can’t get going. Just feel exhausted.

Blahhhh.

I slept in again this morning. This time though, I managed to get to work right at 9:00, so I guess I’m not technically ‘late’. Actually we covered that whole ‘technically late’ thing already, didn’t we?

Anyhow, this time I have an excuse – I couldn’t sleep last night. And I wasn’t up all night worrying about the government’s machine that can detect sounds via their tax forms.

Around midnight, as I was laying in bed all cosy warm, instead of my brain going into offline mode, it switched to work mode and I had a bunch of good ideas for my Project. I was afraid that I’d forget them if I went to sleep, so I got up and started working on it.

I was really productive and worked till about 04.30 before I finally decided to go back to bed. So I think today’s sleeping-in is acceptable – the difference between 2 hours’ sleep or 3.

Now I’m at work, alert, and ready to meet whatever challenges the day bringzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Half past midnight. Tossing and turning for an hour, trying to sleep. Not even a little bit tired.

What to do in situations like these?

Get up, do chores.

Insomnia sucks.

Sometimes, it’s all right to be late.

Sometimes, you just have to sleep in.

And that’s ok.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, thirsty. Got up, drank some water, went back to bed thinking, thank the Gods it’s Saturday, if I can get back to sleep I can sleep in.

Pause.

Then I start thinking, wait, is it Saturday?

Pause.

Crap – this is Friday… so I can’t sleep in, gotta go to work. But at least, tomorrow I can sleep in. Happy.

Pause.

Wait a minute – it’s not even Friday, is it?  It’s frakking Thursday. Dagnabbit. Grumbles.

This sucks.

Tossing and turning for two hours and still I can’t sleep… Grrr.

They need to invent a sleeping pill that won’t accidentally kill people with sleep apnea. I’ve tried wine, but it isn’t always effective.

Just once I would like to wake up and feel refreshed and energetic. Just to see what it’s like. You hear these expressions, like “bright eyed and bushy tailed” or “rise and shine”…  they have no meaning for me. And I have expressions that probably are meaningless to most people, like “I have blear in my eyes.”

I have insomnia and sleep apnea, so it takes me forever to fall asleep then when I do manage to get to sleep, I don’t get much rest. I wake feeling exhausted. By the time I’ve gotten up and washed and dressed and everything, I’m ready for a nap. I’m usually not fully consious till mid-morning. I drive to work with half-open eyes, yawning incessantly, then sit here staring at the computer with my eyes trying to roll back into my head, my brain locked in alpha-wave mode, and wonder why I just can’t get in gear, for the 10,000th day in a row.

If Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is real, I’ve had it for 20+ years. It’s like someone put one of my batteries in backwards and I’m perpetually running with only half power. Now and then there are little bursts of energy, alertness. But they’re few and far between, and typically short-lived.

Tired. It’s not just a feeling, it’s a way of life.