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It’s been spider-weather lately. That whole spring showers thing – the 8-legged beasties are thawing out and waking up, then the rain drives them indoors.
I don’t approve of spiders. The creepiness of a creature is directly proportional to the number of legs it has. Extra eyes and wearing its skeleton on the wrong side are just additional strikes.
So lately I have like a dozen spiders roaming my livingroom ceiling. Quite brazenly too, they aren’t waiting till dark to scurry about. They’re strutting around like they own the place.
I’m not Ok with this, but I’m not running around trying to squash them either. For one thing, the ceiling is 9ft high so they’re hard to reach.
I’ve been worried that they’ll move into my bedroom. That’s where I draw the line. I can’t sleep while there’s spiders prancing around on the ceiling above me. I was just thinking this morning, how glad I am that they haven’t come into the bedroom yet.
Then that other part of my mind speaks up. The crazy part.
What if they are already in the bedroom and you just can’t see them yet?
Invisible spiders is a stupid idea.
Not invisible, but like, they don’t show up in normal light. Maybe they’re only noticable under a different kind of light?
You mean like a blacklight? Like how some scorpions are florescent? Spiders are related to scorpions.
Exactly. Get your blacklight and shine it around the bedroom, especialy the ceilings and corners.
Oh gods no, what if the ceiling is covered in invisible florescent spiders?!
And just like that, my normal rational line of thinking has been ursurped by the little crazy, and now I’m paranoid about blacklights in the bedroom incase I suddenly discover it’s full of invisible pseudo-scorpions.
So last night while I was laying in bed, it suddenly occured to me that Ouch, normally the bedsheet does not cause me any pain in the knee. So why was my knee all sore and tender now?
Today I had a look and my knee is all black and blue and purple, like someone had at it with a stick or club or something.
Now I don’t recall any kind of beat-down, nor for that matter do I remember taking any unexpected trips to the ground. So this can only be the result of one thing:
Evil Invisible Garden Gnomes.
They’re sneaking into my house at night and beating me with sticks while I’m asleep.
I know they’re invisible because I can’t see any garden gnomes in the neighborhood when I look for them. And I surmise that they are evil because they’re invisible, and therefore they can be evil and get away with it.
Plus, if they were friendly or visible garden gnomes, I’d like to think they would sneak in and clean my house while I slept, rather than pummel me with blunt objects.
Here is photographic proof: You can clearly see that no friendly or visible garden gnomes exist. Therefore the only garden gnomes in this photo are the evil invisible variety. It is conclusive!