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Darkest Post

Posted 2010.06.30 9.00 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

Over the past year or two, I’ve made comments, jokes, and entire posts about dealing with depression. Sometimes I deliberately try and make light of it, or look for a way to ‘find the funny’. Sometimes I make posts about it more for my own benefit, sort of theraputic writing, when I can’t keep stuff bottled up anymore. Mostly, my natural reaction is to keep my feelings hidden, not let anyone around me know just how desperate or lost I’m feeling. I don’t want to burden anyone else with my problems, and I don’t like attention.

As to which category this post will fall into… we’ll see how it develops. I might end up not even publishing it.

So… depression. I wonder sometimes if I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. I know I’ve been tired most of my life, and sometimes being really tired all the time seems like depression. Or, sometimes being depressed seems like being really tired all the time. At least, to me it does.

Then again, sometimes I can’t tell the difference between hunger and fear, so I may not be the best at discerning feelings.

I know my current ‘depressive episode’ started in 2007, and was going pretty strong in 2008. By the end of ’08 I was on anti-depressants, and am still on them now. Though for the past several months I’ve been suspicious that they aren’t quite working any more.

I remember being on drugs in the mid 90’s too, for a year or two. They never seemed to really do the trick then either, it felt more like an elaborate plan to get me to pay for the pharmacist to put his kids through college or something. Actually it sorta feels like that again now… Hmm.

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