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A Year Of Living Crazily

Posted 2009.12.02 7.46 in Life On Drugs

Roughly speaking, more or less, it’s been about a year since I started taking my mind-altering drugs – a year of cryptospam.

Originally I was just taking one of these a day. Then after a couple months, it went up to two a day. Two a day seemed good, worked well for several months. By well, I mean, you know, stable, steady.

Then lately, like end of October / beginning of November, I started having wild mood swings. One day I’d be up, bouncing off the walls, everything was cool. Then the next day or two or twelve, I’d be down, really morose, wondering what was the point of anything.

It was pretty messed up.

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Coming Undone

Posted 2009.08.06 11.30 in Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather

I had a dream last night about coming completely undone. I seem to be in an ever-increasing state of general befuddlement, punctuated by moments of extreme focus.

Like, when I’m on a task, I can really focus in on it and get at it, whether it’s work or fun or whatever. But in between tasks, half the time I’m clueless. I forget where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing, I can’t even remember for more than an hour things like what day is it, what month is it, what season is it? At times I have to concentrate to remember left and right. I make lists all the time, and then if I forget the list or I forget to look at the list then stuff doesn’t get done.

Like there’s so much going into my brain, it’s full, it’s on overload. To quote Homer Simpson, “Remember that time I took a home winemaking course, then forgot how to drive?” well ok it’s not quite like that. ūüôā

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On Being Broken

Posted 2009.03.27 13.15 in Pointless Blather

A while back I was rambling about CT scans and head-worms and stuff. ¬†I still haven’t got the results back from that – either the truth is too hideous for the doctors to contemplate, or maybe they just lost the paperwork.¬†The results came back today and they were “inconclusive” – so on the one hand, yay for no tumors or brain-worms, but on the other hand, no explanations for the searing stabbing pains, either.

Anyhow, this past week I’ve been growing more frustrated and upset about the whole concept of mental health, or the lack thereof. ¬†Like, what’s the benefit? ¬†In evolutionary terms, where’s the biological or genetic imperitive that has allowed mental illness to be a reality at this point in our existance?

I’m not saying I’m nuts, but suffering depression counts as a mental illness. ¬†I don’t know if Prosopagnosia or Aspergers are considered mental illnesses, but Aspergers is described in the DSM-IV so I figure that puts it in the ballpark. (I haven’t been ‘officially diagnosed’ as Aspie but unofficially, by people with considerable experience in the area. And I do meet all the criteria listed in the DSM-IV.) Anyways – so what’s the point / benefit / advantage? ¬†

Why do these things exist? ¬†Why are there such things as delusional schitzophrenia, OCD, paranoia? ¬†Is mental-illness something that only affects humans, or can other animals get these things too? Are there paranoid monkeys and OCD gorillas and schitzophrenic apes? Is mental illness something we should be evolving away from, or is it something we’re evolving towards?

If there is some particular benefit to depression, I’d love to hear it. ¬†Other than the obvious of course – after all, who can deny the clear advantages of wildly varying sleep patterns, wildly varying appetite, self-destructive tendencies, and a plethora of random aches and pains and headaches – not to mention the best part, just generally feeling miserable all the time.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this ranting, but it’s been building up all week. ¬†There ought to be an answer. ¬†There must be an answer.