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Alien Brain Worms

Posted 2009.03.31 13.50 in DID, Life On Drugs, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

I’ve mentioned the brain worms, the alien remote control, and the demons before. I was talking about CAT scans and how none of the above were likely to show up. What I’m thinking about now is, how do these things come into play. And let me quickly point out that I’m using these things metaphorically – I’m reasonably certain that there are not actually worms, tiny aliens, or demons in my noggin.

Anyhow, what I’m wondering about is this: Frequently I’ll make my mind up to do (or not do) something because I know (intellectually, logically) that whatever it is I’ve chosen is the “right” thing to do. Whatever “it” is, could be I decided not to have wine with dinner, or decided not to have desert, or decided not to buy that expensive-but-super-cool technological jiggery-pokery toy. 

So I’ve made the decision, I know it’s right. And yet… there is this constant nagging, this wheeling and dealing, trying to make me change my mind, trying to talk me into doing the ‘wrong’ thing. It doesn’t let up. It is very persistent and persuasive. It even employs trickery and con-artistry at times.

What the hell is it, and where does it come from? If I make up my mind, what’s in there trying to reverse the decision? This disturbs me on many levels.

If I decide to do “A” and then “B” keeps popping up in my head, trying to entice me directly, or even trying to trick me into it… what?  What is it?! Why? I mean — why can’t I make my mind up and that’s the end of it? If “I” am trying to trick “me” then who am “I”?

I’m not talking about hearing voices – this is all just mental train-of-thought processes:

I’m not going to buy a new NNNN, I don’t need it, it’s too expensive, and I already have plenty. I need coffee whitener, I’ll just pop round the corner to the 7-11. You know, they also sell NNNNs at the 7-11. Yeah but their NNNN’s are overpriced and sucky. The NNNN’s at YYYYY are way better.  Wait, shut up! I don’t want a NNNN.  I’m going to the A&P, they sell coffee-whitener and they don’t sell NNNN. I could go to the A&P up at the other plaza, there’s a YYYYY up there and they sell NNNN. Wait no, I don’t want an NNNN. Just coffee whitener is all I need. (fastforward 10 minutes) How the hell did I end up at YYYYY? Hmm you know, these really are nice NNNN…

That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about. Just a line of thoughts running along, trying to steer me to do something that’s not ultimately in my best interest. Nothing instantly bad of course, and frequently there’s short-term fun to be had, but in the long-term, it’s not good.

Is that just me? Does this happen to other people? It makes me feel like I’m not entirely in control of myself.

Alien Brain Worm with Remote Control

But if I’m not in control, then who or what is? I’ll try and explore this more later… right now I’ve got to sneak out of work and buy some more NNNN.

Demonic Alien Brain-Sucking Space Worms

Posted 2009.03.12 0.00 in Pointless Blather by Stephanie

Just say no.


Posted 2009.03.10 0.00 in DID, Pointless Blather by Stephanie

So much going on, so little posting about it.

So I had a CAT scan last week. (CAT scan? CT scan? Whatever it was, no cats were harmed in the process.) They fed me into a giant whining machine and examined my head – a process which some will feel was long overdue.

The head-exam was ostensibly to see if there is a cause to the short sharp stabbing headaches I have been getting in the back of my head. It feels a lot like someone stabbing the back of my head, but when I check there’s noone there, so it could be a medical thing. I can’t help but wonder, however, what else they might find. Certainly there’s lots of things that it would be interesting to explain – could they find a reason for….

  • my depression?
  • my insomnia?
  • the constant ringing in my ears?
  • my sometimes-‘quirky’ behavior?
  • my prosopagnosia?
  • the odd compulsions I get sometimes?
  • the occasional self-destructive tendancies?
  • the way I don’t feel like I relate to anyone and don’t understand normal human emotions or behavior?
  • any of the other neuological oddities I’ve presented over the last 20 – 25 years?

Or will they find….nothing at all?

I know, ha-ha-ha they looked in my head and there was nothing there. Seriously though, for most of the other problems I’ve got, they can’t find any explanation. So why would any of this be different? Short stabbing headaches in the back of my head, might just be a normal natural thing for me. Who knows?

But then, if they do find something what will it be? A tumor? A mystrious ‘dark area’ that they can’t explain? Demons? A tiny alien controlling me? Worms?

Then I wonder, if they do find something, who’s to say they will tell us? The way these things work here is a technician runs the machine, he sees the pictures but is not allowed to tell the patient/subject what he sees and the patient/subject is not allowed to see the pictures. The pictures then go to an ‘expert’ who looks at them, and without any direct access or information from the patient, the ‘expert’ decides how to interpret the pictures. Then they type up a written report and send that to the doctor, so the doctor also doesn’t see the pictures. Then the doctor reads the report and files it away then tells the patient (paraphrases) what was in the report. At any step along the way, they could just decide there’s nothing noteworthy. So if there are demons or tiny aliens or worms or a mysterious dark patch, they could just say there’s nothing, or it’s inconclusive. So if the report is that there’s nothing, or it’s inconclusive, how do I know that’s really the case? It’s quite possible that the tech or the ‘expert’ is in on it!

Realisticly though, what do I hope they find / what do I want to learn? I mean, if it’s a tumor (or demons or aliens or worms) then what? This is a whole different philosophical area for me. What makes me, me? If I am who I am because of some wierdness going on in my noggin, then if they fix the wierdness will I still be me?

Being me has some downsides (see the list above) but there are some cool things too, I think. Would I risk losing the good things, to get rid of the bad? That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. Though if I had to make a snap decision, right now I’d probably say no. Take the good and the bad together and stick with what I know.

So in that case, then what’s really at stake is not fixing things, but just understanding them – getting the why’s. And ultimately I think that is what I’m about – understanding, learning.

There – I feel better now, I’ve resolved something. Take care, be well, stay sane.